Patterns can be Wrong.

Settling down into the favorite corner of my couch, with the television running in mute, laptop on and a browser open with YouTube playing a song, I am desperately thinking about what to write on the prompt “Patterns”.

This has been my life for some time now. Late nights are usually slouched in the couch; with reading or a movie. I tend to stay up till really late even when I’m dead tired. And mornings are a rush to join the run and to make sure not to fall out of the race. There are times, when the question ‘what’s the purpose of life’ starts screaming on my face with big capital letters and a huge question mark.

If asked, whether I am happy at the moment, I would say partially. I love what I am doing. But … yes, there are so many buts to it. I gave up so much of dreams and aspirations and self being for this, which shades down the happiness.

I am scared to take the big foot and step out into the world.

I am scared to hurt the dear ones.

I am scared to follow my heart not at the fear of failure but at the fear of giving the unexpected to the expected minds.

I am scared to break the pattern I have created even when it tires me out.

I am scared but I know I am strong enough to do anything my heart sets in. It just … might take some more nights and cajoling and threatening myself.

One thing I have learned is that, after a while of living, a pattern sets in. But it’s up to you whether you admire the design or redraw the whole thing, adding more colors and lines and erasing some lines here and there, if needed.

Don't ever settle down for the wrong patterns in life. 

What’s the pattern of your life? Have you ever wished to redraw it?

I’m participating in the Write Tribe Problogger October 2017 Blogging Challenge through October. #WriteBravely 

Today’s Prompt – “Pattern”

Adding this to #MondayMusings too

Happiness is a By-product.

When was a child, if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say “Happy”. Yes. I just wanted to be happy. No matter what job I did, where I lived, how much I earned at the end I wanted to be happy. I wanted to cuddle in my bed with a smile. But as years piled in my age, as time passed, as I graduated from a student to employed, as I left my country for another place, the happiness also started blurring. The intensity just reduced. And then one day, I couldn’t even find it. There was not even a trace of her. (Let’s assume Happiness is a woman.)

I searched for her here in heaven and earth, in different countries, in various jobs, between different people, even in food, but I just couldn’t find her. I got tired. I stopped wandering searching for her. But after a while, I found that happiness couldn’t be found anywhere except within you.

I understood that happiness is not a life status. It’s a state of mind. Usually happiness is ephemeral. It lasts just for a short time. It’s because life is a mix of ups and downs. You can’t demand a life full of peaks without expecting a few slopes and gutters. And when you understand  that happiness is not a goal, by is a by product you reach a state of ultimate happiness, where you take everything with positiveness and a grateful heart and also with hope that the next day Sun will shine brighter. 

So,

What is happiness for you? Are you happy at the moment?

Linking this to #FridayReflections

I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter
This is Post #1

Treasures in Life

“I am done with you all.” … Saying this I went inside my room and slammed the door.

Tears choked me and soaked my pillow. Eventually I slept off.

When I woke up in the middle of the night hearing the buzzing of my phone this is want awaited me … Numerous missed calls, whatsapp messages and texts.

Even when I slammed my door on to others, they make sure I’m still there within their arm’s length. People in my life are my greatest treasure. No matter what happens in life, I’ll be forever rich. 

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words #6

Fate Contradicts - #F

Dear Daughter,

I don't know what I'm going to tell you today. I feel like no matter whatever I advise, give you gyaans sometimes nothing would prepare you to face the life that's happening.

Today morning I saw death. Again.

Brother of a dear friend who was just 20, passed away in an accident. I had just talked to my friend this morning and we were discussing what should be my "F" post and decided upon "Fighter" after so much of laughter and talks. After a few hours I heard the same man crying out loud. I just couldn't digest the contradiction that happened in between few hours. You know what I did? I did my nails! I have no justification for my action. But I wanted to feel some normalcy. After hearing the bad news I kept going back to the past deaths in my life. It took me years and so many wrong decisions to accept them. I did everything to have a busy day, today.  Had meetings till late evening since I didn’t wanted to stay alone even for a second out of fear of memories gushing into me. Even writing all this is feeling wrong, as if I’m utilizing one’s pain. But I really want you to know that life is unpredictable and comes without any kind of manual. Be prepared for the worst.  

Even when you will be fighting the whole world you could be vulnerable inside. It’s Ok. It’s really ok to be fragile. To feel the raw emotions. To endure pain. But my child, please don’t let that destroy you.

Yours,

Me. 

I'm Participating in the #AtoZAprilChallenge with the theme .... 

“Letters to Dear Daughter… “

Don'ts of a Girl - #D

Dear Daughter,

Today let's talk about the Don’ts. In a society like ours you're going to face so many Don'ts, even for the smallest things you do. So let me give you a heads up on them …

Don't play with cars or superheroes, its dolls for you.

Don't talk too loudly, girls only talk in hushed voices.

Don’t sit with legs apart, it’s not feminine.

Don't run or jump around or do sports like boys, you’ll build muscles.

Don't wear short dresses, you're asking for it.

Don't use bold lip colors, its provocative.

Don't travel alone, esp. after dark, you’re putting yourself in danger.

Don't make friends with so many boys.

Don't be too ambitious, you should be more concerned about your family.

Don't act bold, that’s not your cup of cake.

Don't be stubborn, you will be tagged a feminist.

Don't take your own decisions, because we know better.

Don't wear jeans or such so called boy's attire, people will talk.

Don't contradict with your elders even if they're wrong, they have seen the world more.

Don't dream about a life of your own, it’s a crime.

Don't live for yourself, it’s selfish.

Don't indulge in your dreams, that a sinful leisure.

Don't raise your voice even if someone abuses you, women are supposed to tolerate.

Don't fight against people who try to destroy you, women should forgive.

Don't think you can have a peaceful, secure and carefree life, that’s not your right.

Don't …...

Don't ……

Don't ……

Because you're a girl!

My precious precious child... 

Do whatever you want to do as long as it's right for you. Live your life the way you want. You're created as a human being by the Divine Power with equal rights and freedom as he created every other man. So no one, absolutely no one has the right to tell you "No" just because of your gender. As long as you're not hurting anyone or doing anything wrong or don't have to lie you have the complete freedom to do your heart. 

Just keep in mind... If you don't have to lie or feel embarrassed/guilty about something you did, then you did the right thing.

Yours,

Me.  

I'm Participating in the #AtoZAprilChallenge with the theme .... 

“Letters to Dear Daughter… “

Just Rambling ...

When you're not content with your life, even the slightest prickle triggers you.

That's what is happening with me for some time now. My mood changes in a snap of the finger just for the most trivial reasons. Maybe someone said something silly, someone talked too much, took so much of time, traffic, excess work, irritating bro, over concerned family … anything just anything can make me nasty now.

I had this undying passionate love for myself. I loved myself so much that I could make sure that I was happy no matter what. But now that's missing. I like me. But that's different and the intensity has reduced. I guess... I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself. When I talk to anyone, positiveness will be oozing out from me. But deep down I'm this little girl who's lost in deep woods all alone. I don't want someone to come and rescue me. I want my inner strength and self-love to come out from its hiding and lead me out. I want that dislike-ness for everything and everyone around me to evaporate for good. I loved meeting new people. But now I have lost count of the postponed and ignored and passed on or even cancelled meetings/calls I had with my friends, new humans, clients or employees.

I know this will change.

It's just the time is not right for me. It’s just life is been a bit of a roller coaster ride. It’s just there’s too much in my plate now. It’s just I don’t have enough space to breathe now. It’s just so much of negative thoughts are clogging my mind.

Simply, it’s just life is taking a totally different unexpected bumpy route and that’s taking a toll on me.

But change is on the way. Or I'll plant as many beautiful plants and tress I can, all along that bumpy route.

Ok. I’m stopping here. God! I sound so depressing to myself. And this is one reason I don’t write anything here anymore. 

So to sum up:  

" If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. "

And I hope to do just the same.

Zindagi, You're Beautiful!

‘Dear Zindagi’!

My dear Zindagi … My dear life…

What a beautiful mess you’re? What all you have taken me to? What all you have made me endure?

But you know what? I always loved you, even when I hated you. All these years we have made so many infinite moments of smiles, tears, excitement, adventure, terror, fluttering heart, tickling tummy and every emotions that’s ever discovered. From a happy-go-lucky-girl to bold-stubborn to the present, you have taken me through everything.

12 years ago, I never for once thought at 27 this is how my life would be. At 15 when life looked so hopeful, filled with so much of promises, added with confidence and anything to do attitude, I thought, Yes! This is life. This is You. No tears, worries, losses, or anything bad. Then, it was all about aiming for the stars.

But down the lane, when I started to grow, I encountered everything. From good to best, bad to worse, flickering heart to heart break. Those were the days when I lost the love I had for you. And should say it lasted for long. There were times I just wanted to leave you and run far away, but the love you had for me was so strong that you never let me leave your side.

Those happy teen years when everything was happening so routinely happy with been everyone’s favorite to taking home good grades at the end of a decade. Then college happened with new faces, new lessons, first love and twinkling eyes between college fest and internals. Everything was so sure then. Couldn’t wait to make all those plans into reality. There you caught me. Giving me that absolute jerk like you were trying to wake me up from a trance. I literally saw all my plans falling down as if they were a card castle. I blamed you for that. Only you! But you pulled me near to you with a tight hug and taught me lessons I had to learn. Lessons about failure, patience, sacrifice, endurance, kindness and moreover filled my heart with a zest for you.  For some time in the past I regretted for the mistakes I have done, for not listening to my instincts but I realize it have made me who I’m today. And I firmly believe that whatever you send my way is for good.

At 15, I exactly knew what I wanted at my 20s, 30s and so on. But at 27, I have no idea what I want tomorrow. At 15 I thought you; life was so happy and colorful like a rainbow. But now I realize, you are indeed a rainbow, and the different colors portray the different emotions and experiences in life. And now at this moment, I may not be where I wanted to be... I may not be happy with all the decisions I took... I may not be having the job I dreamed of or the people I thought will be there.

But now I know you’re all about the journey, the experiences, doing mistakes, letting go and extending one hand to shake hands with new people yet holding the other one with people from your yesterdays, dreaming about the stars and living the untold journey. And I am happy doing that holding your hands. 

Thank you for all the smiles, scars, love and warmth. I am this because you believed in me.

Thank you, Zindagi.

I know there are so much more of you for me, waiting eagerly for that.

Love,

S.

“I am writing a letter to life for the #DearZindagi activity at BlogAdda“

Fighter

It has been six months and still I cannot seem to get her image out of my head.

No matter how much I try, her face keep dancing in front of my eyes.

I just had her in front of my eyes for few years, yet her smile, touch, smell, the softness of her skin, her innocence the sparkle in her eyes everything have made an everlasting impact on me.

That day, while throwing that handful of sand onto her small coffin I understood, even thou she had a fragile live as they warned me ... She was a fighter.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 3 Prompt – Fragile Lives

Ten to One ...

Saw this one in Shilpa’s blog first. Ever since I started blogging I love taking up tags.

1) You get an easy post in your blog.

2) What another good way to introspect and reflect and have answers for some we-never-ask-ourselves-ever-questions.

So here goes my ten to one …

TEN HOW’S!

How did you get one of your scars? From a running around the home scenario. And it’s still there in my knees.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? With friends. Movie and Beach.

How are you feeling at this moment? I’m watching a Horror movie while I’m typing this. So I’m feeling Horror!

How did your night go last? Pretty uneventful!

How did you do in high school? I was a pretty good student.

How did you get the shirt you are wearing? I’m wearing an old PJ. Don’t quite remember from where.

How often do you see your best friends?  Not too often. Thou we chat on a day basis.

How much money did you spend last month? Don’t’ even remind me about that. I was somewhat bankrupt by the time my salary was credited.

How old do you want to be when you get married? 28. But I got married at 26.

How old will you be at your next birthday? 28.

9 WHAT’S!

Your mother’s name? Why do you even want to know?

What did you do last weekend? Work. Sleep. Movie. Just been lazy.

What is the most important part of your life? To feel happy about myself.

What would you rather be doing? A solo vacation.

What did you last cry over? Today morning.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? Coffee and Chocolate. And recently I found out Prayers too give me inner peace.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Acceptability. Humour. Compassion.

What did you have for breakfast? A Cup of Coffee.

8 YOU’S!

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? No

Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes.

Have you ever been out of the country? Yes. I'm living in a country which is not my homeland.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Yes. Lost track of the number.

Have you ever been back-stabbed by a friend? Yes.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? No. Not even the cocktail.

Have you ever read an entire book in a day? Absolutely. Many times.

7 WHO’S!

Who was the last person you saw? Colleagues.

Who was the last person you texted? Not one. Two friends.

Who was the last person to call you? Again another friend.

Who did you last hug? Brother.

Who is the last person who texted you? Friends who I texted last.

Who is the last person you said, “I Love You” to? Right now to my brother. When he's busying doing something I like to call him as if to say something important and just say "I love you." Because I truly love him and I love to irritate him too.

6 WHERE’S!

Where do your best friends live? All over the world. And near me too. Thanks to technology.

Where did you last go? Workplace.

Where did you last hang out? At a friend's place.

Where did you go to school? Holy Angels' Convent, Kerala.

Where is your favorite place to be? Yet to create.

Where did you sleep last night? My room. My bed with half a dozen pillows surrounding me.

5 DO’S!

Do you think anyone likes you? I think at least a few.

Do you ever wish you were someone else? No. But a much better version than me.

Do you know the muffin man? Nope

Does the future scare you? Yes.

Do your parents know about your blog? No.

4 WHY’S!

Why are you best friends with your best friend? For the bond of non-judgmental companionship, trust and love that we share.

Why did you get into blogging? Because I'm better with words when it's coming from my pen rather than my voice

Why did your parents give you the name you have? Mom named me. She thought it was a unique (then) and more of North Indian name.

Why are you doing this survey? I'm bored and my blog is super bored of been idle for long.

3 IFS!

If you could have one super power what could it be? To go back in time and change a few things.

If you could go back in one time and change one thing, would you? Yes, definitely!

If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing, what would you bring? Books. Food. Water. OK. One thing?! A boat loaded with fuel so I won't be stranded for long.

2 WOULD YOU EVER?

Would you ever get back together if one of your ex’s ever asked you? No. I won't part with someone just like that. There should be a reason.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Yes. Definitely!

1 LAST QUESTION!

Are you happy with your life right now? No. This is one of those bad phases. And things should get better than this which I'm sure it'll. But I'm happy for who I am.