Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.

Today I saw, no heard death, not once but twice. Morning I woke up to a blogger friend’s mom passing away and in the evening a colleague’s. She called me in between a meeting and said crying her mother was seriously admitted and chances are low. But after half an hour a call from India to me, confirmed her mom passing away. Till now we haven’t disclosed to her. When I went talk to her she hugged me and cried she want her mom and don’t want to lose her. She took away my strength.  

Tonight she’ll drift off to sleep, praying for her mom’s recovery. Tomorrow night she’ll reach her hometown to see her mom numb and cold. I cannot imagine her devastation. I cannot imagine both my friends’ loss.

I have seen death before. My grandparents, aunt, uncle, friends…

But one death that shocked me to the core was a friend’s. I was 20, at that time. I was taught that no harm will happen to good people. No destruction, no loss, no bad things will happen to people that do no harm to others. But when I lost him, I lost that belief. I lost my innocence and hope in goodness with him.  

It took me year to accept the reality and the fact that death is inevitable. It comes to the good and bad, rich and poor, young and old, friends and enemies and even to me. Death is the only area in life, where man is truly helpless and at the mercy of the ultimate power. Only time when man becomes nothing.

Death leaves you breathless. It takes away your sleep. It changes us. It breaks us. You seek them everywhere, you feel their presence, and you smell them, even when you know that they are not there. You still pray for a miracle even after you have buried them deep down. 

It leaves a permanent void in you, which no matter what happens, or time passes … will not heal, but will diminish the scar, really slowly.

And still, after years and decades there will be moments, when you will suddenly feel a heart trenching ache when you miss them just like that.

But if there’s a sunset, there’s a sunrise too. With a new morning you will definitely move on.

Still believing in goodness and still embracing hope. Praying that both my friends get immense strength and love to stay strong during this period. 

If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. —James O’Barr

I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. 

This is Post #4

For You ... A letter.

Dear You,

One thing leads to another. One month leads to another. And one year led to eighth. Times flies yet makes us realize that indeed it’s a complicated journey.

There are times I wonder, why you left so fast. Why you didn’t stay back to make more memories? You know what I miss about us the most? The opportunity to get to know each other better.

We were just acquaintances when we interrupted each other’s life with so much of power. But I would have loved to experience many phases of that. I wish we had the time to grow up together.

Some nights when sleep fails to embrace me, my thoughts sail to you. And suddenly a fear grips me.

What if I forget you one day?

What if I won’t be able to remember your face, the glint in your eyes or that smirk you have? 

What if, one day when I try to draw your face in my mind, I fail? 

What if the memories start to dribble out of my memory while I desperately try to hold them?

There are days and moments when I miss you so much that make me wonder how I kept going till date without you in life. But that's how life turns out to be. You'll miss people who're important to you; you just have to live without souls whom you don't want to leave... You'll have to learn to survive without the presence of those whom you always wanted in your life.

But some days are gloomier than the rest and some nights darker than yesterdays. Some moments lonelier than the previous...  And I just miss you so much at this moment than the rest, especially when today marks the eighth year of your leaving.  

I wish ...

… If only, one day I would wake up from a deep slumber and realize all these years were just dreams, very bad dreams …

… Just a wishful thinking …

Me.

P.S. Today is the eighth year of demise of a dear soul, M. Over the years I have written so many letters to him in the space and otherwise. Even when we, his friends and family miss him dearly, we all are so grateful for his presence in our family. 

                                I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words #6

Fate Contradicts - #F

Dear Daughter,

I don't know what I'm going to tell you today. I feel like no matter whatever I advise, give you gyaans sometimes nothing would prepare you to face the life that's happening.

Today morning I saw death. Again.

Brother of a dear friend who was just 20, passed away in an accident. I had just talked to my friend this morning and we were discussing what should be my "F" post and decided upon "Fighter" after so much of laughter and talks. After a few hours I heard the same man crying out loud. I just couldn't digest the contradiction that happened in between few hours. You know what I did? I did my nails! I have no justification for my action. But I wanted to feel some normalcy. After hearing the bad news I kept going back to the past deaths in my life. It took me years and so many wrong decisions to accept them. I did everything to have a busy day, today.  Had meetings till late evening since I didn’t wanted to stay alone even for a second out of fear of memories gushing into me. Even writing all this is feeling wrong, as if I’m utilizing one’s pain. But I really want you to know that life is unpredictable and comes without any kind of manual. Be prepared for the worst.  

Even when you will be fighting the whole world you could be vulnerable inside. It’s Ok. It’s really ok to be fragile. To feel the raw emotions. To endure pain. But my child, please don’t let that destroy you.

Yours,

Me. 

I'm Participating in the #AtoZAprilChallenge with the theme .... 

“Letters to Dear Daughter… “

Life taken too soon.

One of my favorite professor passed away today evening IST. He was fighting against Jaundice but had to surrender to it atlast. He was not from my college. But we used to go for tuitions to him. He was such an awesome teacher that you would just fall in love with him...in the right sense of course. Even thou I hated every subjects he taught me, I loved going to his classes. He could just make all those boring equations, theorems and machine principles and working into something more dramatic and interesting. And the way he dealt with us students was like a friend. He would get angry if we cross our limits otherwise he's just so awesome. He would tease and pull our legs like there's no end. 

Two years before, his wife died of cancer and they have a lil boy of maybe 6 or 7. And maybe coz the mother was sick, the kid was so attached to his father. Even during the class the lil dude will call out for his father and at times will come and sit in the class.

First thought that crossed my mind when heard about his demise was his child. He lost both his parents. Suddenly he became all along in this big world.

Why such fate to good people? He already lost his wife, and that too, to cancer. And before she died, she was sick for many years. But one would never guess that from his personality. He was always a cheerful and smiling man. He used to tease me about my riding speed and used to tell that I just scare him the way I ride. But still send me to buy the markers needed for the class, saying that I won't take much time to return, courtesy to my speed. Suddenly I just miss him so much. Even thou I never had any contact with him after those classes. But the thought that he's no more and even if I wish to see him once, I can't... that just hits somewhere deep.

Death is one guest who comes without any invitation, without permission or even without knocking. And when he goes, he just takes a dear one among us, leaving us completely shattered.

Sir, I respect you with all my heart. May you find happiness in the eternal world. You were just awesome when you were here and played your role really well. Hats off to you. Proud to meet you and to know you. You are an inspiration!

P.S. Live your life beautifully.

God Blez.

F for... ...

6th Day, 6th Alphabet and there goes the first week of A to Z April Challenge. :)

Today it's

F for "Fancying my Funeral".

Ok! Why am I talking about my funeral at this age? Actually I thought of writing about the Unpredictability of life… and the most unpredictable event is the death of a person. You talk to a person today, and tomorrow you hear him dead. You plan for your future, but you may not be able to see even your present. We know death is certain, but we are clueless when it's gonna empower us.

I have attended six funerals so far. Actually I hate the ambience of the funeral places. I hate the sober, solemn and sad model I see there. And I don’t attend funerals unless I know that person very well. Coz if I didn’t knew the person, what’s the point in saying a bye?

Out of the six, two was of my grand-dads, who lived a really good life, and surrendered to old age peacefully. The atmosphere was not that dark, coz everyone was expecting and they did live their life and was ready to give up.

And two was close friends of mine, who was forced to surrender to the unpredictability of life during their younger days itself. And I can still hear those cries I heard that day. Visualize the faces of their family and feel the coldness of their life-less human body on my skin. And that is not a vision you wanna carry along with you till the end.

When I lost the first one, I just wouldn't accept the fact, and just stared at his face for long, for which I regret even now. Not coz I didn't want to see him, but now, when I remember the happy moments we had, the lifeless face creeps into my mind, and destroys that happiness and gives me tears, nightmares and more agony. So the second time, who was like a younger brother to me, I was there at the premises throughout, but I didn't even glance to his side. I just didn't want that memory of him. I and his sister kept talking about him, his pranks and we actually did smile that day through our sadness. So till date, as i have just good memories of him, I can picture him smiling, happy and cheerful.

Losing a person is painful. But it is more painful, to see them as a lifeless pale cold body.

We love a person, we care for them and we have so much of happiness with them. But when they die, a single glimpse of their cold face could just suppress all those memories. We see them smile, cry, eat, laugh, talk endlessly and all of a sudden... a huge Silence. That silence is one thing I found hard to accept. So when we are learning to live without them, why make it more difficult by having a saddest ceremony at the last day of their life in this earth?

So I want my funeral to be happy one.

A family and friends get together. I want my favorite music to be played.  The place should be decorated with flowers and actually I want people to smile. I want my people to celebrate the life I lived. I want them to cut a cake (chocolate, please) for my days in this world. I want them to talk how stubborn and adamant I was, and yet lovable (I suppose). About the days I have been with them. The memories I gave them.  And I don’t mind them letting a tear or two down, but not more than that. I want a happy farewell. I want it to be a celebration. So, No regrets, No guilt and No long faces. I want everyone to have a happy party, wearing bright colors and also good food, chocolates  and ice creams too.

So my dear ones, at the age of 23, I declare I want a HAPPY funeral, may it be this week, next year or in 50 years! Party Hard! You have my permission.  ;)

P.S. Live life each moment, so you don’t mind even if it’s your last.

God Blez.