If Only ...

She woke up with a heavy heart today. As if her heart was weighing her down with so much of sadness. While she was wondering what might have happened for her to feel so lost, her phone beeped nudging her to remember today’s date and the impact it’s having on her for years.

Thou her brain knowingly tries to shut down and ignore “today”, her heart was far ahead. As always she opened the FB page which she has created and dedicated for him.  Thou she hated to post anything there, because of its lack of privacy and personal touch, she wanted that page to be active like him, wanted people not to forget him and remember with the same intensity like before.

“Loved, missed and remembered … Always.” …

She typed and after a thought …

“ … If only, one day I would wake up from a deep slumber and realize all these years were just dreams, very bad dreams …

… Just a wishful thinking …”

She added. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 6 Prompt – Wishful thinking

Been together ...

“ The only person worthy of your love is not one who overstayed in the relationship without a single change, but one, who appeared like an angel, and used a single day to make a million change. ” 
― Michael Bassey Johnson

We humans cannot survive alone. We are social beings who need constant buzzing of other humans around us. We need our friends or family for consolation in grief, for support in distress, for expressing ourselves and for just been there. I am not a person who got  much of the self expressing gene in me. I prefer to grieve alone or to sort out my problems by myself. But on some days of life, we just need the assurance that someone is actually there for us. Someone is looking after us. And that’s when friends and family comes in picture.

Student life for us is a total carefree life. Nothing can wrong for us then. Life looks so possible and full of hopes. And it was no different for me and my friends too. But one morning I woke up to an inbox full of messages and lots of missed calls saying that one of my best friends met with an accident and didn’t survive it. He was living in another city and was just back home for a week. It was only the previous day I spend time with him and the next day I woke up to hear his demise. That was one moment when even tears failed to acknowledge their presence. The moment when you feel so awake yet felt dreaming. That day itself his family arranged for his final rituals, and I have never seen something like that before. Losing a person is sad, but when that person is very young, it’s just terrible.

The next day, I left for class, even when I didn’t had the energy or mind. But been at home and engulfing in grief was more than I could handle. So escaping into the cheerfulness of campus was the only way. I went early that day, because I needed that time to compose myself before my gang came and start consoling me. But when I reached, saw the least expected person. He was one person who never reached class before the lecture starts. And here he was now, an hour before the college time. He was sitting at his usual place as if waiting for me, to assure me of his friendship and companionship. That moment I realized, I may have lost one friend to the past, but there are still some more beautiful friends around me to ensure my happiness and smiles.  And for a long time, wherever I went he was somewhere around the scene, maybe to make sure I was fine.  Also should add, that was the only day he reached class before me in all the four years of our college life. 

We both have our differences and fights, and we still show our attitude to each other for days. We are miles away and it’s been almost two years since we last saw each other. But it’s just a matter of a message or a miss call, and there ends our ego and we both know that no matter what, we are there for each other.  When there are friends and dear ones with us to hold our hands, or just to stand beside us during our not so good days, that itself gives us enough confidence to move on. And that’s the fragrance of friendship and strength of togetherness.

***

Linking this to Housing.com

Thankful Day of the Week - #5 Something Someone Gave You

A plane made by my Grandpa from bamboo. One day during his last days, he asked whether there’s something left to do from his promises to me. “Yes Grandpa. That airplane you promised to make for my Science fair.” In a day, when he felt a bit relieved, he made that plane and taught me the concepts behind it. And after three days he left us. It was his last battle, a proof for his endurance against all odds. That’s the best gift someone ever gave me. He gave his last few hours entirely to me. He gave me some of his time and left. – Ashwin Manalil Koshy. (Memories shared by a Friend)

Materialistic things don’t bring you happiness all the time. If we look at the moments when we were happy, mostly it will be for those tiny tot things in life, which we have always taken for granted. For me also, it’s time. Time others gave me from their life. Time they spend with me. Time they kept aside just for me, and allowed to make some beautiful memories. Our time is precious. So when we set them aside to be with someone, then they are important to us in one way or the other.

And I am grateful to all the people in my life till date, who gave even a second of their time to me. But doing that, they gave me a part of their life and for me that’s the biggest gift one could bestow upon me.

To my family, who gave up all the time of their life for me. To a friend who let me spend some beautiful time with him before he left, so when I miss him today, I actually feel happy that I got at least some moments to make memories with him. Another one, who lovingly wastes his time for me even when he’s buried with work, when I’m bored. Or the one who tolerates my non-stop WhatsApp messages. My brother, who willingly hears all my insanities. My cousin, who patiently answers all my illogical questions about life. My blogger friends who gives up their time to read my space. I am grateful to all of them. All those I have met till date... Thanks to all the wonderful people. Thank you for making me part of your life. 

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. - ― Rick Warren

Forgotten Memories

Memories are the gifts we earn from our life. They have an ability to make us cry and smile at any time of the day or night. Thou we keep telling people to live in the present rather than pondering the past, all of us, absolutely all of us, at some time or the other, switched off all the sound and craziness of our present day and just flipped back to our older moments. That moment which made us smile, or cry or feel special, loved or that moment of grief… Anything and everything that happens in our life is been recorded by our mind. And we knowingly or unknowingly chose to forget some, ignore some, and block the rest.

I don’t remember the day I was born, but I have no doubt it’s been deeply engraved in my Mom’s mind. I don’t remember my first day of school, but my Dad might never forget that. I remember my first friend, even thou I have no idea where he is now. I remember the pampering from my Dad, thou I tend to ignore my Mom’s scoldings. I remember the day when Dad said goodbye when he dropped me in boarding school for the first time. I could still hear my Mom’s voice over the phone telling that I am going to be a sister. I still flinch in pain from the burned skin I got while ironing my friend’s dress but lying to her when she asked what happened because I didn't want her to feel bad. That naughtiness when friends decided to make maggi in the dressing room when our warden went out. I would still feel tense thinking about my first boards. The embarrassment I felt after wearing the saree for the first time for farewell.  I remember the day before the boards results were to be announced asking Dad, whether it was OK if I failed and feeling happy the next day to see my Dad proud after the results came. Can picture the first day of college so perfectly. First bunch of friends. Still can feel the butterflies in my stomach when I saw my crush for the first time… Ufff! I wanted to just turn around and walk. But still put on a brave face and talked to him. Feels the same emotions over and over again when I think about the moment I heard the death of a friend. The numbness when had to see his lifeless body. The proud satisfaction after completing an event successfully with friends. The lost moment when left hometown. The happiness to touch its ground on vacations… The sheer bliss when I step into my childhood room after years.

All these are just mere moments of everyday life. But it is my life. They made me who I am today. If I am bold, moments in my past made me so. If I am sensitive, I had faced some hard paths. If I am jovial, there were moments of laughter in my past. If I am a caring person, I was cared before and want to reciprocate that to others. If I love to travel, I have discovered the happiness of exploring in my yesterdays. If I have so many friends, I enjoyed having people around. If I chose to have few friends, then I might had some bitter experience in friendship. 

I believe that everything we are in this moment is because of what we were till the previous moment and how each incidents and people in our life have affected us. "Let it go" is just a way of storing that memory at the farthest place… but still it’s stored but not deleted. 

I guess or rather believe no one can actually forget their memories, unless and until a memory itself wants to be forgotten. Like the writer, Haruki Murakami quoted, "No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories."

M is for ...

I'm made of dreams and memories.

I am made of misheard whispers in the dark.

I am made of glances across crowded rooms.

Of the closeness of strangers in a line outside a movie.

I am made of the corners of your mouth.

I am made of awkward elevator rides and the lack of security one finds on a doorstep, at the end of the evening, when one has enjoyed the company of another.

I am made of the train tracks that take me home.

I am made of ghost notes, from songs you never heard.

So forgive my absence.

But I was never really here to begin with, anyway. 

******

This post is part of Blogging from A to Z in April 2014.

In Memory...

(Sharing a poem I came across in this virtual word....)

Imagine if I was given one moment,
just a single slice of my past.

I could hold it close forever,

and that moment would always last.

I'd put the moment in a safe,

within my hearts abode.

I could open it when I wanted,

and only I would know the code.

I could choose a time of laughing,

a time of happiness and fun.

I could choose a time that tried me,

through everything I've done.

I sat and thought about what moment,

would always make me smile.

One that would always push me,

to walk that extra mile.

If I'm feeling sad and low,

if I'm struggling with what to do.

I can go and open my little safe,

and watch my moment through.

There are moments I can think of,

that would lift my spirits everytime.

The moments when you picked me up,

when the road was hard to climb.

For me to only pick one moment,

to cherish, save and keep,

Is proving really difficult,

as I've gathered up a heap!

I've dug deep inside my heart,

found the safe and looked inside,

there was room for lots of moments,

in fact hundreds if I tried.

I'm building my own little library,

embedded in my heart,

for all the moments spent with you,

before you had to part.

I can open it up whenever I like,

pick a moment and watch it through,

My little library acts as a promise,

I'll never ever forget you 

- Sarah Blackstone

                            Linking this to Jan 2014 Ultimate Blog Challenge & NaBloPoMo 

To read posts by fellow friends and UBC and NaBloPoMo participants, click here Jairam,Kajal, Kathy, Michelle, Nabanita, Richa, Suzy Que,Shilpa.

Memories ...

Going down the memory lane always brings so much of smiles and tears and remind us how far we have travelled. Prompts always make me blank. And when this prompt was given I wanted to this that  and everything but the only thing that came up in my mind was my childhood memories. So why not have a walk through some initial years of my wonder years...??

******

Most pampered child (Three years old)

Dad was working for Spinney's in Sharjah. And every evening mom, sis and me used to go to the nearby church and on the way back we stop at the shop and from there Dad could join us. Now been the child of a senior employee there, I had full privilege to roam around the place without anyone questioning me but instead could lavish all the love and pamperings as little kids of all the "uncles" were back in their respective countries. And the sweetest memory was marching up and down chocolate filled racks as if feeling I'm the Princess of some chocolate Kingdom! No wonder I'm still obsessed with these. 

The sweet child became a wailing child (Six years)

Except for Dad we all shifted back to Kerala and I joined a Convent School which was at walk-able distance from my house. And there was whole gang to accompany me to school everyday as there were so many students and teachers as my neighbours. But I hated going to school. I couldn't accept the concept of spending the entire day in school as I was used to have classes till noon. So every morning religiously I cried wailed loudly from home to school even without bothering that I was walking through the main road. All in a single hope that mom could show sympathy and let me bunk school. But Mom's never do that! Sigh! Like that I became the "crying child" of that residence. 

Wailing child got her first enemy (Nine years) 

Relocated again. This time to Doha. Place, school, friends, home..... everything was new and fine except for..... Hindi! I never had that subject/language to study. But in Indian schools in ME they teach that from KG so by the time you reach your 4th grade you're excepted to be fluent in the language. And here I'm who doesn't even knew the alphabets was given fiction, non fictions and poems to learn. Exam started and when the marks came I was among the toppers till Hindi the Villain came. I gloriously failed. Was given extra coaching but I started hating the subject. My hatred was so strong that I couldn't cope up. The day the year got completed I announced, "I'm going back to India to my old school". Mom got dumbstruck. Relocating again was not even an option. And they were like "If you're going, you should go alone and stay in the boarding" .... but do you think the stubborn Goddess in me could listen. No way! 

How the enemy changed her life (Ten years) 

Joined back to the Convent School. I desperately wanted to kick myself when my Dad actually said goodbye and went off to the airport after settling me in the boarding. 

"What the hell was I thinking? Aren't they my parents? Can't they not let me go?" These were going in my mind and eyes were twinkling with tears. But pride in me could never let my Dad see my tears. But during bedtime every ounce of stubbornness and pride melt off. I cried myself to sleep as it was my first day away from home after my birth. 

And I officially declared Hindi as my enemy that day cos it ended up me in a boarding school when I was so happily growing up with so much of pamperings! 

But I actually enjoyed my years there, despite the initial homesickness. And it's a place I still miss so dearly cos it made me so independent that Mom didn't even allow me to go away from home town for college. ;)

All these were tucked deep down in the memory threshold and even when we miss our past the treasure chamber called memories let us relieve them once again. 

"Memories, even your most precious ones, fade surprisingly quickly. But I don’t go along with that. The memories I value most, I don’t ever see them fading."  —  Kazuo Ishiguro (Never Let Me Go)

I am taking part in Second Write Tribe Festival of Words 8th-14th December 2013. The theme for the day is Memory/Memories. 

M for ... ...

M day of the Challenge!

Today it's "Memories".

College for me was supposed to be KJo’s sets. The same masti, romance and studio classrooms like in SRK movies. But first day in college made me realize KJo is a film maker and SRK is an actor and there college is a set and here it’s real life, and not a romantic lyceum. College was nothing less than school, esp. in professional colleges, added with a bit more of freedom and tons of syllabuses and more amount of stress which we choose to neglect.

“Engineering is just not a course but a life divided into eight, named as semesters.” – Semester 8(Short film)

I too agree with this. In those 4 years we happen to come across almost every problem, solutions, and emotions. Happy, sad, surprise, astonishment, anger, friendship, lust, love, trust, hope, jealousy, stress, excitement, disgust, anticipation, fear, pride, courage, respect, confusion… you name it, you have felt it in those years.

Here every soul under a roof was a family. Problem of one is a common problem. Everyone was just a call away, despite at any hour of the day or night. Visibly and invisibly someone will be there at your side. When starting the first semester, the eighth one seemed so far away. Four years, sounded like a long drag. But it went like a whirlwind.

When stepping into the college premises for the first time my initial thought was, “How I’m gonna survive in this place?”

But…

The unfamiliarity during first few days. The addition of a bunch of people that matches your stupidity and insanity to your friends list. Ragged by seniors and ragging the juniors. Roll numbers. Attendance. The rush to reach the class before the first bell. The sleepy seven hours of lectures. Waking up at insane hours just to talk or wake up each other. The fun seeking gene in you who gets out of control when with friends. The irresistible hunger when near to cafeteria. The carving for canteen biryani’s on Fridays. A single coffee shared among 2-3. Girls/Boys moments. The triples ride. The not so secret crush on lecturers. The home works and assignments copied as if running a marathon. Movies. Treats. Surprise tests and close book assignments postponed or changed to open assignments. Last crush & first serious love. Half day leaves. Never ending records. Forward messages. Sardar jokes. Mass bunking. Group suspension. Weekend fever. Monday blues. Conference calls. Library dues. Lab hours which turned out to be fun hours. Gossips about the break-up & patch up of couples. The hastiness in uploading photos in FB. The sneaky chits during lectures. The impatience for tour days. Getting a best friend. The combine study series where everything except studies takes place. Exam stress.  Early mornings in college on exam days. Results. Holidays. Surprise birthday celebrations. Marriages of friend’s siblings where we dominate the guest list. The preps for college fests. Basketball tournaments and cheers voiced across the court. Nail biting seminar days. Sleepless project preps. First job. Countless bundles of photostats. Fights and make ups. Falling in and out of love. The walk to the gate along with the whole gang after college hours. The silent tears during last days. Autographs. Farewell. Reunion. Phone calls. FB chats. Once in a blue moon meet ups. It goes on… Like thousand picture perfect moments.

Life goes on. Likewise, some bonds are never broken. They may seem to lose their strength as years pass, but till the end a thread will remain to keep both the ends hooked.

“I've learned one thing, and that's to quit worrying about stupid things. You have four years to be irresponsible here, relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember the time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So stay out late. Go out with your friends on a Tuesday when you have a paper due on Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does...” ― Tom Petty

P.S. Stay happy!

God Blez.

Lil Sunshine...

This is Tejaswee Rao.

Isn't that such a happy smile???? :)

Never have seen her. Never have known her.

Met her last year through her blog, when I was surfing through the blogosphere. And there's a photograph on the right side of her blog, which shows a girl smiling showing all of her teeth. The smile is reaching not just her lips but her eyes too. And the radiance she spreads through her smile is so immense, that I feel in love with her.

Her writings are also like so positive, that even a routine update have so much of positivity and energy in it. And in a single sitting I read through all her posts, her friends & even strangers like me wrote in tribute to her. And in every word of others one could read the color, love and energy she bestowed to each other's life. At that time, even I was suffering from the loss of a dear one, and I would so clearly see how her family and friends were affected in her going away.

After some days she left my mind, until recently I stumbled upon her pic again. And she's been haunting me... in a good way. Why, such happy and good souls are taken away so soon??!! Whatever the reason maybe, till the 19 years of her life she have inspired many and is still doing through her writings. And her friends are going to adopt kids, cos she always wanted to.

I missed meeting you Tejaswee, in real... but happy to know you atleast through this virtual world.

P.S. It's not the years you live that counts, but the moments you gave others.

God Blez u lil one. Keep Smiling that infectious smile of yours. :*

Cheerz to you.

Don't let your memories wasted.

Life is a journey chasing your dreams, while embracing your memories. Memories are those chest of treasures which we wish to have atleast once more. To feel that moments emotion in real for a second time rather than in virtual visuality.

But, will these memories have the same intense clarity even after so much years and life experiences? Or do they just fade up in course of time?  

I'm a person who do whatever I can to cling to that one moment which made me feel special or bought a smile onto my face... but when life gives me other priorities should I have to leave all these to be rusted in the treasure chest and build up new ones or will I be able to give life to new moments while  preserving these with the same shining effect??