Friday, October 28, 2016

I love/hate you, Mom.

It’s said that a girl’s best friend is her Mom. But not for me.

"Mom, I love you." This is something I have never said to my mom. I think we Malayalis lack this expressing their love in words. Anyways I do. Only once I have wished my mom on her birthday in FB with a picture and an elaborate message. After that I thought, I will never ever say all this to my Mom in person, then why showing off? Then and there I stopped the FB PDA thing.

Growing up I was an NRI father's child. A small chunk of my childhood was in boarding and when I started my 10th; mom and siblings came to join me. From then us kids and mom were together. For me, Mom was always a strict Mom. Extremely strict! She would scold me like anything if I did something or if marks turned out to be low or if some teachers complained about me or if I didn't obey her words or such normal stuff. I was literally scared of her. I never said anything to her because I was scared of her reactions. It was known fact among my family that my favorite parent is my Dad. Because he never said No to me. Never raised his hands against or even scolded me. So obviously he will be my favorite. I can't remember the number of times I have written: "I hate you mom" in my diaries and scribbled it and then tore it off too. I even started my blog only because mom read my dairies and even questioned regarding the same. I was never friends or even close with my mom.

But as years passed I began to understand her. She was all alone with three kids with no family around to help. And obviously, she expected more from me since I’m the eldest. Though not all the actions and reactions were justifiable for me, most of them were. Because the way she used to yell and be angry at me made me hate her so much and kept away from her. And actually whatever stupid things I did in life was because of that.

I know my Mom loved me the most. But that realization hit me in my mid-20s. She gave me so much of freedom, trusted me like no one else. The person I’m today is all because of her. I’m so much like her. Independent, stubborn, emotional, sensitive, hyper and don’t even ask me about the way I yell when my temper tips off.

We never understand our family when we’re young. Whatever they do and say turns out to be wrong for us then and even now at times. Maybe they’re not fully right. But they always wanted the best for us. When I was going through a hell-of-a-time, when literally everyone around me misunderstood me, only my Mom was with me. No matter what, at the end of the day they are with us, even if we want or not.

I love her. I hate her. Ultimately I love her. It just goes on and off. And I believe that’s how beautifully messy a Mother-Daughter relation can be. And today I am proud of that. 

P.S. This post is inspired by Rekha's latest post. Thanks to her.  Do check out her post. 

Monday, October 24, 2016

Dream and Live

This too shall pass.

I know that, this too shall pass and I have to strong in the meanwhile. But sometimes the positiveness just oozes out from me pushing in the darker zones of my mind and mood. Everything happens for good, and I really really do believe that. But there are moments when I just want everything to be just perfect. And the impatience for allowing time to take care just doesn’t seem to be digested.

These days I open up my Blog and stare at the blank page thinking what to write. I am so blank for months. So much is happening yet nothing seems worth mentioning. My reading, writing, socializing everything came to a real dull point. Can’t remember the number of times my friends have been bugging about the same. So grateful for such beautiful souls around me.

I have got some strong instincts and they are right always every time. But unfortunately I never listen to them. I always chose the opposite road, and later on regret for the same. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” says J K Rowling.  You can’t live on just dreams and ignore all the chances universe gives to you to achieve those dreams. You have to walk towards that rather than pull your face away from them.

Make sure you dream, but trust yourself and make double sure you walk towards them too. 

Linking this to #FridayReflections at Write Tribe