For You ... A letter.

Dear You,

One thing leads to another. One month leads to another. And one year led to eighth. Times flies yet makes us realize that indeed it’s a complicated journey.

There are times I wonder, why you left so fast. Why you didn’t stay back to make more memories? You know what I miss about us the most? The opportunity to get to know each other better.

We were just acquaintances when we interrupted each other’s life with so much of power. But I would have loved to experience many phases of that. I wish we had the time to grow up together.

Some nights when sleep fails to embrace me, my thoughts sail to you. And suddenly a fear grips me.

What if I forget you one day?

What if I won’t be able to remember your face, the glint in your eyes or that smirk you have? 

What if, one day when I try to draw your face in my mind, I fail? 

What if the memories start to dribble out of my memory while I desperately try to hold them?

There are days and moments when I miss you so much that make me wonder how I kept going till date without you in life. But that's how life turns out to be. You'll miss people who're important to you; you just have to live without souls whom you don't want to leave... You'll have to learn to survive without the presence of those whom you always wanted in your life.

But some days are gloomier than the rest and some nights darker than yesterdays. Some moments lonelier than the previous...  And I just miss you so much at this moment than the rest, especially when today marks the eighth year of your leaving.  

I wish ...

… If only, one day I would wake up from a deep slumber and realize all these years were just dreams, very bad dreams …

… Just a wishful thinking …

Me.

P.S. Today is the eighth year of demise of a dear soul, M. Over the years I have written so many letters to him in the space and otherwise. Even when we, his friends and family miss him dearly, we all are so grateful for his presence in our family. 

                                I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words #6

The One That Got Away

If I say “I miss you" that would be an understatement.

I miss the fact that you're missing life and the things that might have happened in your life.

I miss seeing your face pop up in my social media.

I miss your existence.

And that sneaks hatred into me.

I hate that you would remain ageless when the world beneath you grows old.

I hate to see the world moving on without you, and there's absolutely no chaos in that.

I hate the conversations where I get to listen nothing.

I hate the mornings when I feel grumpy missing your physical being

I hate the nights when I miss your warmth.

I hate that you haunts me every day without my permission.

I hate that you got away from me.

All because …

I miss you. 

Linking this to #FridayReflections 

What is it I really want to say?

Every night after a long tiring or a lazy day,

When I curl up in bed, I miss you.

That’s the only time I allow myself to slow down, or gives a minute to think

The only time I allow myself to be free from anything else.

Then and there at that moment,

When my brain and mind slows down,

You suddenly walk into my memory… slowly but surely

As if you were waiting for me to just look

And all of a sudden

I get this sudden unquenchable urge to talk to you

To share with you all my day’s happenings

To tell you this and that

Thou it’s just a never-going-to-happen wish,

I still hope for the same

Then there are days

I just want to have a glimpse of you

A second of your time to talk to you for one last time

But… If was given that chance

What is it I really want to say?

I miss you? I wish you were here?

Or I wish we hadn't met?

Or just stare at your face? …

I wonder…

I wonder… what is it I really want to say when I see you…? 

***

P.S. No! Not a poem… just a prose which was broken down to small fragments. 

------

This was written for 

Dear M,

This is my first open letter to you in all these years. Don't know what made me write this. Maybe the feeling of 'lemme get it out there' or arrogantly opening up myself in my own public space.

Actually how's you up there? I have written to you numerous times and I know you have obviously read all those. Who knows u better? 

It's going to be five years since we met and four since you went. I read somewhere that it's always proper to use death or died than using insinuations for it. Even I prefer the same in my case. But till date, with all these years behind I couldn't bring myself into saying so, but 'm going to try doing so from now on.

After you died, I admit that I felt terrible, in fact destroyed. You just died off like that even without a warning sign and it was a hard core hit right on the face. I became quite than ever, but came out from that sulken face too damn fast. Life did move on, but felt like some automated version. Nothing made sense esp when had to encounter those huge photographs of yours in and around the campus. It felt like you were all around the place when you were actually just an  alumni till yesterday. And I never knew you had soo much of female fan followers..... I admit 'm jealous. Big Deal!

I gave up soo much I loved, esp the relation I had with God. I felt so betrayed and cheated, I couldn't even look at their faces. But now I know that if it wasn't for God, I could have missed knowing you. Through you I got an awesome second family who I could rely upon anything and a sister who's soo much like a lil one.

I am sorry for those nights I cried to sleep. But I did hold up in front of others esp when was with your aunt and sis. And thanks for all those random conversations we had and those I imagined up in my head and dreams. And thanks for letting us know that you are still watching all of us from there and no one is spared from your looks. ;)

Life is going on. Actually nothing have changed much except the vaccum feeling  at times I get deep down when I think that you are no more visibly here. Or the insanity when my mind stubbornly wants to talk to you. It was not easy to adjust with you dieing. But now I'm dealing with it far better, but it took me such a period.

You may not be here physically. But the moments we shared and the moments you gave others is definitely here. And that's one reason you are still missed and loved even more even now.

In between you had to call K too. I know, you might been getting bored there and other than that nut case who's the better option.

I still miss you, in fact both of you guys. But everyone's doing every possible big and little acts to keep you peoples' spirit alive. So it's like you both are still living invisibly between us and no one is ready to let you go.

You taught me to appreciate small small things in life and to be happy for the moment. So, in every moments you're remembered. I love you loads and will do forever. You are that chapter in my life that I reread always. And this is not something written out of despair but I just want you to be here in this space of mine. And going to do this more often.

Till the next letter loads of love and hugs.

P.S. Stop been the naughty guy there too. And if you ever come across Saddam Hussain, tell I'm great fan of his. (Ok. I'm done with my fan worship. Now stop rolling your eyes. :P)

Take care

Me.