Zindagi, You're Beautiful!

‘Dear Zindagi’!

My dear Zindagi … My dear life…

What a beautiful mess you’re? What all you have taken me to? What all you have made me endure?

But you know what? I always loved you, even when I hated you. All these years we have made so many infinite moments of smiles, tears, excitement, adventure, terror, fluttering heart, tickling tummy and every emotions that’s ever discovered. From a happy-go-lucky-girl to bold-stubborn to the present, you have taken me through everything.

12 years ago, I never for once thought at 27 this is how my life would be. At 15 when life looked so hopeful, filled with so much of promises, added with confidence and anything to do attitude, I thought, Yes! This is life. This is You. No tears, worries, losses, or anything bad. Then, it was all about aiming for the stars.

But down the lane, when I started to grow, I encountered everything. From good to best, bad to worse, flickering heart to heart break. Those were the days when I lost the love I had for you. And should say it lasted for long. There were times I just wanted to leave you and run far away, but the love you had for me was so strong that you never let me leave your side.

Those happy teen years when everything was happening so routinely happy with been everyone’s favorite to taking home good grades at the end of a decade. Then college happened with new faces, new lessons, first love and twinkling eyes between college fest and internals. Everything was so sure then. Couldn’t wait to make all those plans into reality. There you caught me. Giving me that absolute jerk like you were trying to wake me up from a trance. I literally saw all my plans falling down as if they were a card castle. I blamed you for that. Only you! But you pulled me near to you with a tight hug and taught me lessons I had to learn. Lessons about failure, patience, sacrifice, endurance, kindness and moreover filled my heart with a zest for you.  For some time in the past I regretted for the mistakes I have done, for not listening to my instincts but I realize it have made me who I’m today. And I firmly believe that whatever you send my way is for good.

At 15, I exactly knew what I wanted at my 20s, 30s and so on. But at 27, I have no idea what I want tomorrow. At 15 I thought you; life was so happy and colorful like a rainbow. But now I realize, you are indeed a rainbow, and the different colors portray the different emotions and experiences in life. And now at this moment, I may not be where I wanted to be... I may not be happy with all the decisions I took... I may not be having the job I dreamed of or the people I thought will be there.

But now I know you’re all about the journey, the experiences, doing mistakes, letting go and extending one hand to shake hands with new people yet holding the other one with people from your yesterdays, dreaming about the stars and living the untold journey. And I am happy doing that holding your hands. 

Thank you for all the smiles, scars, love and warmth. I am this because you believed in me.

Thank you, Zindagi.

I know there are so much more of you for me, waiting eagerly for that.

Love,

S.

“I am writing a letter to life for the #DearZindagi activity at BlogAdda“

I love/hate you, Mom.

It’s said that a girl’s best friend is her Mom. But not for me.

"Mom, I love you." This is something I have never said to my mom. I think we Malayalis lack this expressing their love in words. Anyways I do. Only once I have wished my mom on her birthday in FB with a picture and an elaborate message. After that I thought, I will never ever say all this to my Mom in person, then why showing off? Then and there I stopped the FB PDA thing.

Growing up I was an NRI father's child. A small chunk of my childhood was in boarding and when I started my 10th; mom and siblings came to join me. From then us kids and mom were together. For me, Mom was always a strict Mom. Extremely strict! She would scold me like anything if I did something or if marks turned out to be low or if some teachers complained about me or if I didn't obey her words or such normal stuff. I was literally scared of her. I never said anything to her because I was scared of her reactions. It was known fact among my family that my favorite parent is my Dad. Because he never said No to me. Never raised his hands against or even scolded me. So obviously he will be my favorite. I can't remember the number of times I have written: "I hate you mom" in my diaries and scribbled it and then tore it off too. I even started my blog only because mom read my dairies and even questioned regarding the same. I was never friends or even close with my mom.

But as years passed I began to understand her. She was all alone with three kids with no family around to help. And obviously, she expected more from me since I’m the eldest. Though not all the actions and reactions were justifiable for me, most of them were. Because the way she used to yell and be angry at me made me hate her so much and kept away from her. And actually whatever stupid things I did in life was because of that.

I know my Mom loved me the most. But that realization hit me in my mid-20s. She gave me so much of freedom, trusted me like no one else. The person I’m today is all because of her. I’m so much like her. Independent, stubborn, emotional, sensitive, hyper and don’t even ask me about the way I yell when my temper tips off.

We never understand our family when we’re young. Whatever they do and say turns out to be wrong for us then and even now at times. Maybe they’re not fully right. But they always wanted the best for us. When I was going through a hell-of-a-time, when literally everyone around me misunderstood me, only my Mom was with me. No matter what, at the end of the day they are with us, even if we want or not.

I love her. I hate her. Ultimately I love her. It just goes on and off. And I believe that’s how beautifully messy a Mother-Daughter relation can be. And today I am proud of that. 

P.S. This post is inspired by Rekha's latest post. Thanks to her.  Do check out her post. 

Dream and Live

This too shall pass.

I know that, this too shall pass and I have to strong in the meanwhile. But sometimes the positiveness just oozes out from me pushing in the darker zones of my mind and mood. Everything happens for good, and I really really do believe that. But there are moments when I just want everything to be just perfect. And the impatience for allowing time to take care just doesn’t seem to be digested.

These days I open up my Blog and stare at the blank page thinking what to write. I am so blank for months. So much is happening yet nothing seems worth mentioning. My reading, writing, socializing everything came to a real dull point. Can’t remember the number of times my friends have been bugging about the same. So grateful for such beautiful souls around me.

I have got some strong instincts and they are right always every time. But unfortunately I never listen to them. I always chose the opposite road, and later on regret for the same. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” says J K Rowling.  You can’t live on just dreams and ignore all the chances universe gives to you to achieve those dreams. You have to walk towards that rather than pull your face away from them.

Make sure you dream, but trust yourself and make double sure you walk towards them too. 

Linking this to #FridayReflections at Write Tribe

To You ...

Hey,

You know something? That life is really beautiful. It's a beautiful mess. I know it has been really hard for you (at least you think so). And you have been criticizing and pointing figures at yourself for long. Rather than appreciating your goodness, why you have to dig out the flaws and make it bigger than life itself?

Woman! You always push others forward. There's a word of positive for that friend of yours no matter what. Then why none of those for you? Why you have to compare yourself with whole world and tag as a failure? When you have the ability and confidence to rule your life as you like, why give up for some trivial matters.

Yes. Someone will be fairer/tanned than you. Slimmer/built than you. Someone else will be more educated or in a better position in their career. Another one will be having the perfect family. And there will another one who's more artistic or talented or influential or sophisticated than you. But, there's none like you! 

There's just a single you in this world.

I know everything may not look good now. You'll be struggling to breathe each moment with the burden on your shoulders. But, I promise ... This is just momentary. This will pass on. And you'll be proud of yourself tomorrow for not giving up today.

So stay strong for yourself. Always

Love.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 7 Prompt – Promise (to yourself/someone else)

If Only ...

She woke up with a heavy heart today. As if her heart was weighing her down with so much of sadness. While she was wondering what might have happened for her to feel so lost, her phone beeped nudging her to remember today’s date and the impact it’s having on her for years.

Thou her brain knowingly tries to shut down and ignore “today”, her heart was far ahead. As always she opened the FB page which she has created and dedicated for him.  Thou she hated to post anything there, because of its lack of privacy and personal touch, she wanted that page to be active like him, wanted people not to forget him and remember with the same intensity like before.

“Loved, missed and remembered … Always.” …

She typed and after a thought …

“ … If only, one day I would wake up from a deep slumber and realize all these years were just dreams, very bad dreams …

… Just a wishful thinking …”

She added. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 6 Prompt – Wishful thinking

Dear Child ...

Dear Child,

Finally!

Finally you're going to be here. Finally I'm going to get to hold you, pamper you and make you entirely mine.

It’s been a year's struggle and constant chaos of paper works. There were moments I thought I could lose you. That mere thought took away my peace and sleep for days. I have lost count of the days I have tormented God for the same and at last he heard me, like I know he could.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow we would come and take you home. I would dress you up, in that white frock and tiny shoes which I have bought the day I saw you first.

Yes. Tomorrow is the day I'll become a mom. Officially.

Love,

Me. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 5 Prompt – Tiny shoes

Caught red-handed

"Amu! Did you take those chocolates I had kept for your cousins?"

"No Mom, how would I do that especially when you asked me not to touch them?" Amu made an innocent face.

Thou her innocent eyes sided with her words, the chocolate smeared on her face told another story.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 4 Prompt – Caught red-handed

Fighter

It has been six months and still I cannot seem to get her image out of my head.

No matter how much I try, her face keep dancing in front of my eyes.

I just had her in front of my eyes for few years, yet her smile, touch, smell, the softness of her skin, her innocence the sparkle in her eyes everything have made an everlasting impact on me.

That day, while throwing that handful of sand onto her small coffin I understood, even thou she had a fragile live as they warned me ... She was a fighter.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 3 Prompt – Fragile Lives

What You Don't Know ...

Life is not always fair but life is not always unfair too

Just don't be so hard on yourself

Marvel for the beautiful creation you're

Admire yourself for the way you crossed all those hurdles

And how those hardships wised you and made you strong

What you don’t know 

And what you fail to see ...

This the way life is teaching you be better

Deeper, stronger and beautiful

Than yesterday. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 1 Prompt – What You Don't Know

Stranger than Fiction

"Go open the door." ... I mumbled in my sleep. He just groaned and shifted his position and gave me a guffy smile.

Sunday was his day of breakfast. But my man was lazy to even stir from his sleep. Thanks to his late night games.

The knocking on the door was getting louder. Why would someone have to be here on a Sunday? Thinking this she got out of bed went straight to the kitchen somehow forgetting about the peace hacker at her doorstep.

She made herself a cup of coffee and walked into the hall. There his dinner was left untouched.

"This guy!”... She mumbled with a smile.

After her me-time with her coffee she decided to make breakfast. His favorite. The typical south Indian breakfast. He can't resist waking when the house fills with the smell of spices, she thought with a grin.

The calling bell was ringing again. This time she opened to see her mom and some of her neighbours pondering on her doorstep.

Her mom hugged her with relief

"Zoya!! I have been calling you for yesterday. Why you didn't pick my calls? And I'm standing here for hours. What were you doing?"

"Ever since her husband died three days before she haven't come out of the house." Her neighbors murmured to each other.

"What nonsense? My husband died? Who told you such insanity? He's inside sleeping and I was preparing his favorite breakfast."

She went inside and even by dinner time, the breakfast and lunch was left untouched and the house was filled with a deadly silence.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 1 Prompt – Stranger than Fiction

Ten to One ...

Saw this one in Shilpa’s blog first. Ever since I started blogging I love taking up tags.

1) You get an easy post in your blog.

2) What another good way to introspect and reflect and have answers for some we-never-ask-ourselves-ever-questions.

So here goes my ten to one …

TEN HOW’S!

How did you get one of your scars? From a running around the home scenario. And it’s still there in my knees.

How did you celebrate your last birthday? With friends. Movie and Beach.

How are you feeling at this moment? I’m watching a Horror movie while I’m typing this. So I’m feeling Horror!

How did your night go last? Pretty uneventful!

How did you do in high school? I was a pretty good student.

How did you get the shirt you are wearing? I’m wearing an old PJ. Don’t quite remember from where.

How often do you see your best friends?  Not too often. Thou we chat on a day basis.

How much money did you spend last month? Don’t’ even remind me about that. I was somewhat bankrupt by the time my salary was credited.

How old do you want to be when you get married? 28. But I got married at 26.

How old will you be at your next birthday? 28.

9 WHAT’S!

Your mother’s name? Why do you even want to know?

What did you do last weekend? Work. Sleep. Movie. Just been lazy.

What is the most important part of your life? To feel happy about myself.

What would you rather be doing? A solo vacation.

What did you last cry over? Today morning.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? Coffee and Chocolate. And recently I found out Prayers too give me inner peace.

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Acceptability. Humour. Compassion.

What did you have for breakfast? A Cup of Coffee.

8 YOU’S!

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? No

Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes.

Have you ever been out of the country? Yes. I'm living in a country which is not my homeland.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Yes. Lost track of the number.

Have you ever been back-stabbed by a friend? Yes.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? No. Not even the cocktail.

Have you ever read an entire book in a day? Absolutely. Many times.

7 WHO’S!

Who was the last person you saw? Colleagues.

Who was the last person you texted? Not one. Two friends.

Who was the last person to call you? Again another friend.

Who did you last hug? Brother.

Who is the last person who texted you? Friends who I texted last.

Who is the last person you said, “I Love You” to? Right now to my brother. When he's busying doing something I like to call him as if to say something important and just say "I love you." Because I truly love him and I love to irritate him too.

6 WHERE’S!

Where do your best friends live? All over the world. And near me too. Thanks to technology.

Where did you last go? Workplace.

Where did you last hang out? At a friend's place.

Where did you go to school? Holy Angels' Convent, Kerala.

Where is your favorite place to be? Yet to create.

Where did you sleep last night? My room. My bed with half a dozen pillows surrounding me.

5 DO’S!

Do you think anyone likes you? I think at least a few.

Do you ever wish you were someone else? No. But a much better version than me.

Do you know the muffin man? Nope

Does the future scare you? Yes.

Do your parents know about your blog? No.

4 WHY’S!

Why are you best friends with your best friend? For the bond of non-judgmental companionship, trust and love that we share.

Why did you get into blogging? Because I'm better with words when it's coming from my pen rather than my voice

Why did your parents give you the name you have? Mom named me. She thought it was a unique (then) and more of North Indian name.

Why are you doing this survey? I'm bored and my blog is super bored of been idle for long.

3 IFS!

If you could have one super power what could it be? To go back in time and change a few things.

If you could go back in one time and change one thing, would you? Yes, definitely!

If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing, what would you bring? Books. Food. Water. OK. One thing?! A boat loaded with fuel so I won't be stranded for long.

2 WOULD YOU EVER?

Would you ever get back together if one of your ex’s ever asked you? No. I won't part with someone just like that. There should be a reason.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Yes. Definitely!

1 LAST QUESTION!

Are you happy with your life right now? No. This is one of those bad phases. And things should get better than this which I'm sure it'll. But I'm happy for who I am.