Not Sad, Just Empty.

These mornings I wake up with a sinking feeling in my pit. 

I feel like heavy weights been kept on my shoulders and knees. As if something is pulling me down further into the folds of bed and not allowing me to get up. I am not sad, but just empty. Still, I wake up every day, fighting the invisible demons.

Yet the mornings feel blanched. When the cold shower hits my face and body, I feel cold and tears start rolling down my eyes making it indistinguishable from the water. But once the shower stops I could literally feel the demons, frustration and irritation, creeping down my feet to the top, as if some snake is crawling.

You know what I did?

I ignored. I went my way. I made myself busy. So busy that I didn't take time to breath.

And I kept doing this.

For hours initially,

Then for days.

For months. 

Today he said my face looked drained out. Said I lost the life I had in my smile. Said that he could see lines and wrinkles and before I could mention age, he denied. I laughed off. 

But 

Is it the snake that causing me this? Did it reach my face when I kept myself busy ignoring its existence? Is it going to choke me? 

Is this how you failure feels like? 

Is it how giving up looks like?

She closed her child’s journal and sank under the bed-cover hoping for the sleep to embrace her. But the mind kept reminding her that tomorrow it’s going to be a year since she lost her child to those invisible demons.

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This is Post #6

Connect and Stay Together ...

Dear Son,

Happy Birthday to you!

You would have been 21 if you were still here, with us. Now as you are in a place where age is not a factor (believe so) you are still 20 and going to be that forever.

Yesterday we thought to celebrate your day, by getting your favorite cake. But didn’t have the strength to actually do that. How could we buy your favorite chocolate cake and have it without you near us? Arnav came home in the morning. He misses you. Said you were his best friend and no one else seems to be able to fill that position. I think no one can take someone else’s place in a person’s life. Whoever comes in my and your mom’s life, nothing can replace you, my son. No other relations gives us the joy that came from been your parents. But guess we never realized that before. Or we never made you realize that.

I never knew how unhappy you were with your life. When you moved on taking our dreams and leaving yours aside, I thought you were happy and made new dreams to fly after. I never saw that the smile had disappeared from your last two years photographs. Before that, all your pictures were filled with your warm smile. I never noticed all those status updates in your page, even when I have liked and commented in some. I thought it was the poetic side of yours, but never guessed even for a second that those were the exact thoughts you wanted to convey to me. I could not even grieve thinking you never told me anything. Because you did. In your own small ways.  But it was me who ignored them as if they were nothing. I am sorry dear son.

Now I remember you calling me to say how unhappy you felt there and how you find it very difficult to adjust. But when I told you to stay strong and it was my dream to see you coming out from there with excellence and not in failure, you said you are fine and going to be ok. I never realized that you were actually not fine and those words were just to calm me down. If only I heard you then. If only I took that extra step to hug you and listen to you, you would have been still here beside me. We miss you so much. The thought that if we had connected with you, if we had listened to your heart, talked to you, understood you … this letter wouldn’t be in my drafts, hoping that you would read this, from somewhere behind the clouds.

I love you my son. More than anything in this world or beyond.

Love,

Dad.

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The above letter is purely fictional, thou inspired from something I read in a FB page. 

But, if ever you don’t want to write something like that to your child, better half, parents, siblings, friends or anyone near or far and save it in your drafts under the folder “Unsent Letters” … take that one step to connect with people around you. Not the now famous connect with likes or a one-word comment in a picture in FB/Whatsapp/Instagram/G+/countless other social networking sites, but in a real way. Talk to people who mean something to you, listen to them, and make sure they are happy and satisfied with their life.  

To end up your own life you need so much courage. Imagine cutting your wrist or jumping from that height or blasting up your head … doesn’t it gives a shiver down your spine just at the mere thought of these. Then think of those people who actually might have thought for days or maybe months for a way to end up their life. Those sleepless nights they might have spend hoping someone could actually see through their fake smile or listen to what they have to say. 

We never see the symptoms, or the signs people show us, in fact we ignore them knowingly. But once something bad happens, the regret is endless.  Parents’ never hear their children, children rarely open up to their parents, siblings often fail to be in touch, friends drift apart and everyone gets so busy in life that there’s no time for a second person. Not even to the one who’s living with you, shares your bed space and your life. Take some time from your busy schedule to actually be with your loved ones. Be there to hear out their fears, loneliness and just make them feel loved and wanted and secure. We can't bear losing our dear ones, then why not prevent that from happening. 

We are blogging for this cause at Write Tribe. Do read and spread the awareness. Thank You.

Ending up??!!??

When I was in my second year of college, a senior committed suicide. The reason was she couldn't cope up with her father’s death. He was a cancer patient. So the moment she came to know that he failed to cancer she took her life. When I heard this, didn't even feel a pinch of sadness for her. My version was she didn't have the right to take her life when she had a Mom and a lil sister to take care of. But she was her Dad’s gal and it destroyed her world.

After one year of this incident I understood with full depth what made her do so. When I encountered something like hers I came to know the emotions she might have gone through then. The feeling of feeling so lost and not knowing how to move forward without that person who was supposed to be with you all through your life. It’s the difficulty of accepting the fact that they are no longer a visible part of your life, but more over a belief above your head. Taking yourself away from all these seems to be a better option than seeing your dear one lifeless. Going through life without them might be more painful than not living.

I never had any sort if sympathy to those who took their life by themselves because of emotional problems, death in family, debt or whatever the reason be. But maybe the amount of loneliness or breath taking pain made them do that. The thought of ending everything up in a moment than enduring this pain lifelong might have triggered them to put that extra leg forward. People find answers in self-killing when the individual simply can't handle the pain any longer. Do you not think they are in not in extreme anguish about leaving this world and their loved one? That they are not aware of the hurt that will be caused? But the pain is simply more than they can bear.

I am never justifying suicide and never will, and still voice that it’s not the solution and believe it is nothing less than murder. Facing problems brings out the solution and gives you courage. But i also thin it’s not a selfish act, it's just a person does not know where to turn next… But when they decide to have eternal peace they are pushing their dear ones to lifelong agony. that's the price they are paying for their last freedom.

When a human being does something like this, the pain he would have gone through right before the moment of taking such a decision would be enormous. And everyone, well almost most of us, at some point or the other would have thought of ending up everything in a moment. So before criticizing someone who made that mistake just think about what they have gone through and remember them in your prayers. They were certainly brave people, but not strong enough to bear. 

P.S. Senior of mine, hope you find happiness with your Dad up there. Stay happy and peaceful. You are loved and remembered by many every day.

God Blez.