I love/hate you, Mom.

It’s said that a girl’s best friend is her Mom. But not for me.

"Mom, I love you." This is something I have never said to my mom. I think we Malayalis lack this expressing their love in words. Anyways I do. Only once I have wished my mom on her birthday in FB with a picture and an elaborate message. After that I thought, I will never ever say all this to my Mom in person, then why showing off? Then and there I stopped the FB PDA thing.

Growing up I was an NRI father's child. A small chunk of my childhood was in boarding and when I started my 10th; mom and siblings came to join me. From then us kids and mom were together. For me, Mom was always a strict Mom. Extremely strict! She would scold me like anything if I did something or if marks turned out to be low or if some teachers complained about me or if I didn't obey her words or such normal stuff. I was literally scared of her. I never said anything to her because I was scared of her reactions. It was known fact among my family that my favorite parent is my Dad. Because he never said No to me. Never raised his hands against or even scolded me. So obviously he will be my favorite. I can't remember the number of times I have written: "I hate you mom" in my diaries and scribbled it and then tore it off too. I even started my blog only because mom read my dairies and even questioned regarding the same. I was never friends or even close with my mom.

But as years passed I began to understand her. She was all alone with three kids with no family around to help. And obviously, she expected more from me since I’m the eldest. Though not all the actions and reactions were justifiable for me, most of them were. Because the way she used to yell and be angry at me made me hate her so much and kept away from her. And actually whatever stupid things I did in life was because of that.

I know my Mom loved me the most. But that realization hit me in my mid-20s. She gave me so much of freedom, trusted me like no one else. The person I’m today is all because of her. I’m so much like her. Independent, stubborn, emotional, sensitive, hyper and don’t even ask me about the way I yell when my temper tips off.

We never understand our family when we’re young. Whatever they do and say turns out to be wrong for us then and even now at times. Maybe they’re not fully right. But they always wanted the best for us. When I was going through a hell-of-a-time, when literally everyone around me misunderstood me, only my Mom was with me. No matter what, at the end of the day they are with us, even if we want or not.

I love her. I hate her. Ultimately I love her. It just goes on and off. And I believe that’s how beautifully messy a Mother-Daughter relation can be. And today I am proud of that. 

P.S. This post is inspired by Rekha's latest post. Thanks to her.  Do check out her post. 

Dream and Live

This too shall pass.

I know that, this too shall pass and I have to strong in the meanwhile. But sometimes the positiveness just oozes out from me pushing in the darker zones of my mind and mood. Everything happens for good, and I really really do believe that. But there are moments when I just want everything to be just perfect. And the impatience for allowing time to take care just doesn’t seem to be digested.

These days I open up my Blog and stare at the blank page thinking what to write. I am so blank for months. So much is happening yet nothing seems worth mentioning. My reading, writing, socializing everything came to a real dull point. Can’t remember the number of times my friends have been bugging about the same. So grateful for such beautiful souls around me.

I have got some strong instincts and they are right always every time. But unfortunately I never listen to them. I always chose the opposite road, and later on regret for the same. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” says J K Rowling.  You can’t live on just dreams and ignore all the chances universe gives to you to achieve those dreams. You have to walk towards that rather than pull your face away from them.

Make sure you dream, but trust yourself and make double sure you walk towards them too. 

Linking this to #FridayReflections at Write Tribe

To You ...

Hey,

You know something? That life is really beautiful. It's a beautiful mess. I know it has been really hard for you (at least you think so). And you have been criticizing and pointing figures at yourself for long. Rather than appreciating your goodness, why you have to dig out the flaws and make it bigger than life itself?

Woman! You always push others forward. There's a word of positive for that friend of yours no matter what. Then why none of those for you? Why you have to compare yourself with whole world and tag as a failure? When you have the ability and confidence to rule your life as you like, why give up for some trivial matters.

Yes. Someone will be fairer/tanned than you. Slimmer/built than you. Someone else will be more educated or in a better position in their career. Another one will be having the perfect family. And there will another one who's more artistic or talented or influential or sophisticated than you. But, there's none like you! 

There's just a single you in this world.

I know everything may not look good now. You'll be struggling to breathe each moment with the burden on your shoulders. But, I promise ... This is just momentary. This will pass on. And you'll be proud of yourself tomorrow for not giving up today.

So stay strong for yourself. Always

Love.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 7 Prompt – Promise (to yourself/someone else)

If Only ...

She woke up with a heavy heart today. As if her heart was weighing her down with so much of sadness. While she was wondering what might have happened for her to feel so lost, her phone beeped nudging her to remember today’s date and the impact it’s having on her for years.

Thou her brain knowingly tries to shut down and ignore “today”, her heart was far ahead. As always she opened the FB page which she has created and dedicated for him.  Thou she hated to post anything there, because of its lack of privacy and personal touch, she wanted that page to be active like him, wanted people not to forget him and remember with the same intensity like before.

“Loved, missed and remembered … Always.” …

She typed and after a thought …

“ … If only, one day I would wake up from a deep slumber and realize all these years were just dreams, very bad dreams …

… Just a wishful thinking …”

She added. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 6 Prompt – Wishful thinking

Dear Child ...

Dear Child,

Finally!

Finally you're going to be here. Finally I'm going to get to hold you, pamper you and make you entirely mine.

It’s been a year's struggle and constant chaos of paper works. There were moments I thought I could lose you. That mere thought took away my peace and sleep for days. I have lost count of the days I have tormented God for the same and at last he heard me, like I know he could.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow we would come and take you home. I would dress you up, in that white frock and tiny shoes which I have bought the day I saw you first.

Yes. Tomorrow is the day I'll become a mom. Officially.

Love,

Me. 

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 5 Prompt – Tiny shoes

Caught red-handed

"Amu! Did you take those chocolates I had kept for your cousins?"

"No Mom, how would I do that especially when you asked me not to touch them?" Amu made an innocent face.

Thou her innocent eyes sided with her words, the chocolate smeared on her face told another story.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 4 Prompt – Caught red-handed

Fighter

It has been six months and still I cannot seem to get her image out of my head.

No matter how much I try, her face keep dancing in front of my eyes.

I just had her in front of my eyes for few years, yet her smile, touch, smell, the softness of her skin, her innocence the sparkle in her eyes everything have made an everlasting impact on me.

That day, while throwing that handful of sand onto her small coffin I understood, even thou she had a fragile live as they warned me ... She was a fighter.

Linking this to BAR-A-THON by Blog-A-Rhythm Day 3 Prompt – Fragile Lives