Unbreak my Heart

I want you out of my life.
But I want you to stay there forever.

I don't wanna see you ever.
But I want to spend time with u.

I don't wanna talk to u.
But I wanna hear your voice again.

I don't like your Once in a Blue Moon Smile.
But I wanna see you Smiling always.

I don't like your singing.
But it can make me Smile.

I don't wanna trust you.
But no one trust you as i do.

Do i love you?
Do i care for you?
Does it make any difference to me whether U'r in Smiles or tears?
Who are you to me?
A stranger who i found when i can't find myself?
Or a friend who cheers me up?
Or some one who comes like a leap year?
Who are you?

Does Destiny play any role in meeting us up at the most unexpected time of our lives



God Blez. 

A peek into an Awesum Flashback.

One night in the month of March 2012, when we were having our random conversation of “How to make a difference”, the topic changed to the more obvious area of MCYM (Malankara Catholic Youth Movement). We wanted to do something new from the usual routines, wanted to try out something out of the box (we were kind of jobless at that moment)…. And the talks lead to the idea of a Personality Development residential camp for kids from high school (know it’s not an out of the box idea, but standing at the position we were then, it was something entirely out of the universe).

We both were more than stupid to move forward with the idea, inspite of not having any financial support, human resource or the knowledge in this area other than some friends and our Director.  

A whole month was given for this. The plan was sketched and re-sketched, name was searched from local books to dictionary to internet,  brochure was designed and printed, re-designed and printed. Venue was searched, menu was fixed and changed and fixed.
Everything was been done a 100 times, but each time learning something new.

Ads were given, brochures were distributed. Cousins and family friends’ kids were brain washed or more over forced to register.

Then the wait was on….. for the public response.

The first call!!! The smile and excitement it gave me is undefined. For the first time I felt, ‘This is gonna happen’. Because convincing parents that we the youth are gonna handle their children and gonna develop their personality in a five day camp was a challenge, and a greater challenge when the parents considered us as KIDS!!!!!!!

After that, days became longer and nights became days. And I was never seen in my own house before 9pm and after 9am, which made my initially over supportive mom to chant, “You’re a grown up GIRL, and not a BOY to roam around at this time of night”. Due to this constant reminder of hers we were forced to shift the meeting place to my house.

After giving a month of our time for this, the D-day came. 

Kids actually came to the venue with their bags and stuffs and that too even before us. Anything else needed to make us happy?

Thus,

Manana 2012 officially started. With 37 children.

And it was one hell of a week.

Days, when we slept at 3 and waked at 5am, that too, without the ear throbbing sound of the alarm… when we, ourselves who needed someone to look after us, actually took care of all the 37… when we  bothered about their health and food more than ours… when we did everything to make them happy and secure… when we became suddenly mature enough to be their Chettans and Chechies… when we had to go to hospital twice in 5 days, and when the Vicks toffees were handed out in tons... and when we truly lived like One Very Big Happy Family.

Scoldings, peer fights, fun, ego, smiles, tears, personal issues, stubbornness, fear, tension, home sickness….. You name it…. You could find there.  

Even we, the so called big ones were not bad enough. We had our bit of everything… from fighting, teasing, going for a walk around the campus after sane hours, sharing our life stories with a Maaza under a banyan tree to the night shopping to Big Bazaar for our mid night snacks…. We were definitely having fun.

Finally, the last night….. when these little ones started letting out their tears with, “We want more days”, “We will miss our friends”. The moment of ultimate satisfaction.

YES!!!. This was a success!!!.  

The night was spend with taking photographs, exchanging numbers, promising to meet in Facebook, anthaksharis, mimics and everything they could come up with.

The final day….!!!! When everyone packed their bags and was ready to leave, we promised and hoped to keep in touch and to meet the same gang with some new members the next year. 

I don’t know whether every child benefited from this, but ‘m sure at least one did.

At least one learned to share, to be happy with what they have, to feel blessed, to be confident, to appreciate others, to speak out without fear, to live out of their parents wings, to understand that people do care for them, the sweetness of relation, the feeling of missing each other,  and ultimately, to love and to be there for one another.

Because we personally did all this when we were trying to teach you, little ones.

The relations, the people around you, the opportunities, smiles and tears, nothing is permanent. You'll miss them one day, but till then enjoy everything given to you. And even when this world is not that beautiful it is definitely worthy to live.

P.S.   To, my Manana Sweethearts. 

Be good to everyone whether they are white, black, gray, young, old or anyone. And Smile inspite of the negatives around you. Then you'll have the best personality.

Definitely miss the time spend with you all.  

Love u kids.

P.S.S.  Children do know to fake a smile, but when you reach out to them you could make a difference in them.

God blez.

J

Miss you Home.

My place is always my own. Here 'm a stranger, a tourist in an unknown land, who came to seek the gold pot at the end of the rainbow. But till now not even the rainbow has come out of its hiding place.


I was a person who cheered for Pakistan in cricket and who prayed India to lose her crown in Miss World (but i was just 6years, so guess it can be forgiven).


But now after living with her for more than half of my life i began to respect her, take pride in been her daughter, to have a space in her land and to be known to others as hers.


When compared to this strange land she may not have the perfect silky roads. But i can go where ever i want or walk till my feet ache and without fearing any sun stroke.


She maynot have sophisticated malls and hangouts. But the street chaats and exhibition grounds reveal part of her soul, culture and lot of memories.


She may not have a 10 on 10 ruling authority but everyone enjoys the power. She doesn't show partiality in religions. For her every religion is the same and everyone is her child.


She doesn't believe in monopoly. A different telecom company is born every day offering the least call rates or even zero rates for their existence. But due to which I can actually talk to my people without checking my credit thrice in five minutes.


Her shopping outlets may not be air conditioned but they won’t burn a hole in your pockets.


She may not provide a stable electric power 24x7, but always opens the door to the freshness of nature.


The rain at her place may ruin your plans but keeps you cool during your grumpiest hour and will be your companion in solitude.


The beaches may not be seen with white sand, palm trees and calm, clear, blue water but it comforts and soothes your soul.


After dark it may not be safe to roam about in her land, but the courage and feeling of independence she provides is immense.


The street eat-outs won't be providing you with international cuisines but will serve you with a genuine smile.


The people in her land even thou a bit narrow minded, value family and relations above their job, status or worldly pleasures.


It’s said, ‘You don't realize the value of something unless u lose it.' Here i didn't lose anything, rather i gained knowledge of the love and passion i have for my place. The land which provided space for every mood swings of mine.


My country is not perfect, but she is mine and she makes me feel at home.


Whenever i came back to you in the past, you welcomed me warm heartedly and the nectar from the skies embraced me.


I miss u.


I just miss being with you.

P.S. Keep Smiling.


God Blez.

Expressions

 

I talked to you last night

Like old days

We smiled, shared, fought and loved

But in my Dreams.

P.S. I miss you.

I am....

At the moment i am in love with Myself. Self love is the important love, no. So thought of scribble down about Myself.

So here it goes...............

Named as Sheethal Susan Jacob in all the official records. Called by loved and near ones as ... whatever they feel like at that moment. :/

I am complicated yet easy going, fun loving to the core, solitude seeker, not soo silent, serene and stubborn. :D

I love Rain & hate umbrellas.

I love people (White, black, grey, men, women, kids,….)

I am a good listener and a very good talkative.

I am optimist in talks, realistic in actions and a pessimist in thoughts.

I love travelling and want to travel whole around the world. (Wish list)

I love Driving and Riding.

Books - My obsession. I love reading and writing.

I always try to see the good in people and I trust people without judging them.

I am the solution seeker to my close ones but I do complain but only to myself.

I HATE when people say “you can’t do that … you can’t go there… because you are a Girl”.

I try 200% to keep a promise and expect the same from others.

I love being wild. I try to live the moment.

I believe in God, Nature and Karma.

I live life in my own way with my set of rules bit greatly influenced by the Smiles of my family.

J

Now the other side me: Dark traits (you are welcome to ignore from this part)

I am Stubborn (at times ‘m proud of that :P)

I am worst person to have around when I am in my bad mood.

I can be my parents’ sweetest daughter and also the sourest.

I am lazy & hate waking up early morning.
I hate someone waking me from my sleep.

I am hot tempered. Sensitive.

I get bored easily (Geminian traits, ‘m helpless in this).

I am naughty (24*7). Childish (often). Stupid (sometimes).

I hate when others take my things or enter my room without permission. (i do try to change... but still i get irritated)

Whatever it is I love ME soo much… because no one can do that role better than me. :D

Last but never the least :

Whatever happens move on with a Smile. Do good. Live life BIG.

Now, that’s a bit of information about me. All these are subjected to change at any time.

P.S. Keep Smiling.

P.S.S. God Bless.

Craving for a Change.

She was someone who took life as it comes. Thou life was not the Best it was Beautiful. Obviously, it had its ups and downs but it didn't stop her from been happy. She was a stubborn, pampered n rotten, childish and a happy girl. But during the journey of life she lost a close person of hers to death. It hit her. It hit her BIG time. It made her fall from the top of the world to the black hole deep down from where seeing any ray of light was just impossible.  Even now at times she just blankness out of reality. It made her look at life in a new way... in a horrible way. Made her drift away from human, God and even herself. She was angry at God.  At everything and anything.

There were countless of sleepless nights and also in-numerous nights when she used to cry herself to sleep. She knew that what happened cannot be erased and she had to live with it till the end. But knowing is something different from living it.

As time passed she learned to live with the loss... but by that time she had changed... it was as if all the positive energy had just drained out of her.

But that one incident made her strong.

Now moving aside all the negatives she decided to be her old self. It might take time... but trying is more worthy than letting go.