Just Rambling ...

When you're not content with your life, even the slightest prickle triggers you.

That's what is happening with me for some time now. My mood changes in a snap of the finger just for the most trivial reasons. Maybe someone said something silly, someone talked too much, took so much of time, traffic, excess work, irritating bro, over concerned family … anything just anything can make me nasty now.

I had this undying passionate love for myself. I loved myself so much that I could make sure that I was happy no matter what. But now that's missing. I like me. But that's different and the intensity has reduced. I guess... I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself. When I talk to anyone, positiveness will be oozing out from me. But deep down I'm this little girl who's lost in deep woods all alone. I don't want someone to come and rescue me. I want my inner strength and self-love to come out from its hiding and lead me out. I want that dislike-ness for everything and everyone around me to evaporate for good. I loved meeting new people. But now I have lost count of the postponed and ignored and passed on or even cancelled meetings/calls I had with my friends, new humans, clients or employees.

I know this will change.

It's just the time is not right for me. It’s just life is been a bit of a roller coaster ride. It’s just there’s too much in my plate now. It’s just I don’t have enough space to breathe now. It’s just so much of negative thoughts are clogging my mind.

Simply, it’s just life is taking a totally different unexpected bumpy route and that’s taking a toll on me.

But change is on the way. Or I'll plant as many beautiful plants and tress I can, all along that bumpy route.

Ok. I’m stopping here. God! I sound so depressing to myself. And this is one reason I don’t write anything here anymore. 

So to sum up:  

" If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. "

And I hope to do just the same.

Free Write ...

One thing I enjoy most is writing, even when I am not too good in that and also reading. But the so called writers/readers block has once again caught me tight around the neck, nearly choking me and making it impossible to breathe. Is this actually the so called writer’s block or the uneasiness life gives you and you tend to shift that to things you love? I can’t say, I lack topics to write or books to read. But I lack the energy to think, type and make it into a post or pick a book, sit down and actually read it. If only there was a technique to transfer all those thoughts that’s whirling in your mind to organized words… awe… that’s too much to ask for... I know. But one can surely wish, na?

Today morning the news that greeted me was the death of the renowned Hollywood actor Robin Williams. Jumanji was one of the earliest movies I remember watching and recommending to many of my friends. He made others laugh with his movies but he himself was a victim of depression. How ironic! Is life always like this, that it’s not the truth that we see with our eyes but deep down there’s so much of hidden truths waiting for us to ponder down? Who could have guessed he was suffering from depression and one day it would kill him, but the truth it did.

Why are we so conscious about displaying our fears and sorrows? Is it because that’s how the world wants to see us, just the happy smiling faces? Is it because the sadness can make the world cringe their noses that we tend to mask it with a smile? No, I am not questioning anyone. This is just a query to self. No matter what, it is so hard for me to admit that I’m upset/sad, even with people who are non judgmental. Am I trying to be otherwise now? Nope. I did give it a try once or twice but it just made me bitter. So I decided to leave it as such.

Before you seek the light all around you, seek that sunshine within you. That will make you feel warm, loved and so special. And every day of your life can be a miracle. A very beautiful miracle.

P.S. Sorry for been so disoriented. Thought of writing something else, but ended up with this. Do bare with me, please.  

Where did she go wrong?

When she entered her childhood days room, she came face to face with her mysterious secret fuchsia wall color. She have never seen this wallpaint anywhere else till date and still wonder what made her choose this, even when pink and shades of that was never her favorite. This was chosen only with the intention of giving a different perspective for the room from the rest of the house, which was a shade of chocolate brown.

And now after some years out in the world, but yet so tied down to the roots, she fear from taking that step away from the crowd. She know what she want. Know how badly her heart desires to plunge into that direction. Yet her legs shake at the mere thought of going through that path, going against the world, without no one to hold her back, no one to give that assurance smile, without one to say "It's OK, you're going to be fine".

She always had her own set of dreams, opinions and ideologies. But somewhere down the lane she lost it someday. How much she searched, they were never found.

Setting back to the past, she couldn't even recognize herself from her yesterdays. Herself when she was a child, who never cared about the world, or how other's gonna rate her but who believed in her dreams and gripped tightly to that. Or as a teenage tomboy, who lived life as if there's no tomorrow. But as the numbers in the age scale increased and days in earth decreased, looks like she was also plunged deep into the society norm. Where risks were just to be seen far from a distance and if your dreams are not the ordinary one then you better stop dreaming. Thou, you learn to lead this very ordinary life at some point you stop in the midway not wanting to go forward, still not knowing how to go back and start again. That's the real crossroad of your life and one she was facing right now.

Now at this moment sitting here and looking out at the never ending ocean, she was searching for all the answers in its depths. Hoping that they'll reach out from the deep blue to her all by themselves...

Ramblings ...

Some mornings you wake up feeling so cranky moody and desperately sad. You don’t feel like getting out of the bed and make it up even to your dearest coffee maker. All you wanna do is to sink deep into pillows and sleep... but sleep just betrays you when you most needed it. You're all wide awake but still feel like dead. Somehow you make it to the shower and see yourself in the mirror all hollow eyed and with dark circles. But you did sleep well during the night and how come this? After the soaking shower and a strong coffee you get out to the day as if some departed soul still not releasing why you feeling so lost and sad.

And there are some mornings when the sun looks brighter and shinning and you wake up with a smile. Message all your friends 'Good morning' with a smiling smiley and jump out of the bed straight to the mirror to find a smiling cheerful and a very bright you looking back from the mirror. You just feel as if the world got so much better in a night and that you're the happiest person breathing right now. You sing in the shower, make yourself a hot cocoa. You see butterflies, flowers, children, happy couples you never noticed the other day. You feel ready to conquer the day with your happiness. 

That's Life. Full of contradiction and surprises. However it is, it just moves on....

Are we strong enough...?

"We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” - Eat, Pray and Love. 

She was perfect from the beginning. Or could say she tried hard to be one, for others, pushing way beyond her boundaries and choosing others bliss above hers. But was this the way to live a life?

And very soon, her cocoon of perfect world broke when she kept away from the crowd to make her own way. It was far more difficult than her early scenario. Before, she had the whole world to support and now she felt all alone. 

Making your own way and been yourself is the biggest hurdle. Your life is all planned,  either by us or by our people. And one wrong step could flip everything in a blink. But what about starting all over again? Isn't that an option? Yes, every single day is a new beginning. But to forget and let go of everything and to move forward one needs immense strength. But do we, the present generation are that strong enough to start over again, if we ever take a wrong step?

What do you think....?

Lazy Ramblings

Today the nectar from the skies was showering down from morning. When in Middle East these drizzles are an added bonus. You just feel so good and happy. And the desert looked all fresh and rejuvenated after their "once in a blue moon" shower. So all over it was a blissful lazy rainy Saturday here. 

But as the morning started to wore off, my DND (do not disturb) mode started to do a sneak peek from behind its hiding place. And the best thing of my life is, I was always lucky to meet people who matches my weirdness. Be it me in my irritating or cranky or DND or hyper active mode I know I could count on these people. And recently a friend of mine told, "I don't know why I talk to you. It's like even thou I can't stand you, I still can't ignore you too". And for me, that's friendship.

By the way, today is my parents wedding anniversary. The 32th year of their togetherness. Actually 32th year of their marriage life. Before that they had a "before marriage" love life. But they never disclose those details to me. I came to know that theirs was a love marriage through my cousin sister during our gossip sessions. That's the advantage of having a whole gang of cousins. You get to know all the "before you were born" family secrets. ;)

So Dad and Mom, Happy Anniversary. Even thou at times you both get into my nerves, you're the best parents a child could ever dream of. Thanks for been with me even when I was not a good daughter, even when I was arrogant and rude and for giving me a wonderful home and a beautiful family. I love you both.

P.S. I was too lazy to wake up my creative cells and do tolerate this ramblings of mine. :)

                        Linking this to Jan 2014 Ultimate Blog Challenge and NaBloPoMo.

 

Ramblings...

"Everything happens for a reason". This is a phrase we hear very often, especially when anything goes wrong. Life itself is for a reason. But what? That's a question all of us ponder at one point or the other. It's said that, we all have a purpose in life and if we are able to identify it, then we become the master/mistress of our life.

Life, a book I never understands, but still never got bored off. It's more like an university where you see a combination of many ideologies, principles and cultures. I had my life pre-planned right from an early age. I knew exactly how I wanted to live my years here. I wanted to be this, do that, be a difference, bring smiles and blah blah blah.....

But when man proposes, God disposes. God just disposed every single plan of mine and began implementing his own. On the other side, I, as a lost child stood dazzled with sudden changes and the never expected days that followed. Felt sad initially, but later on I was like, 'whatever' and decided to tag along with him. Then with the present scenario, when I started planning my tomorrows yet again, Dhum! Tale mein phir twist! I just never understood these playing of chakras/fate/God.

When anything ulta pulta happens I picture God as a man with white long beard and blue eyes (a combination of Jesus Christ and Dumbledore) sitting in front of a huge chessboard like board, where we all human beings are placed, playing our respective game called life. And when he sees that our lives are going good, peaceful and smoothly, he kind of feel bored and drops a bomb and makes it a mess. And he would be smiling like a child who got caught doing something naughty. A naughty grin with twinkling eyes.... Grrrrrrr.......

Now, back to where 'tale mein twist' happened... My plans again got jeopardised.  Then and there I decided "Enough of plans". Let everything happen as the highness like. There also he started playing with me. He kept on changing his moves so often, that I got tired of life and reached a point where I had to say those three magical words to my life, "I hate you".

God, then running his hands through his beard said, "Fine, for some days I am gonna leave you in peace. But soon I'll be back with my tricks and pranks." Winked and went for his vacation.

When he plays with me and my life, I sit here without any glue on what's gonna happen next. I wish I could visit God once and ask him what he have planned for me in the coming days/years. But No, that's impossible. Guess, he's busy playing with someone's life always! 

(Grumpy face)

#Sulking@GOD

P.S. Now, this was not what I wanted to write initially. But see, here also he had his own way. Don't he get distracted at-least for a second?

P.S.S. God, whatever I said here was the result of your behaviour towards me recently. But that doesn't mean I don't love you! :D

Ramblings

It's been days since I wrote something here. Everyday I open up this space of mine, feel proud of myself for this, then when I move towards the 'New Post' page I just stare at the screen and the blinking cursor ready to move in accordance with my words. Time flies... but nothing... absolutely no words, no verses, nothing comes. Failed and tired, I just close the whole tab and shuts down my laptop.

The days were hectic and tired. Emotionally. Everything seemed to be disturbing or wrong. Many were misunderstood, many were read incorrectly, many were hurt and sad. Was away for a couple of days and it was entirely different from my usual breaks. Never had the usual hangouts, celebs, noises or anything. Was a silent getaway from the crowd and that silence is still prevailing very loudly somewhere in me.

Uncertainty in life certainly makes a person think wider, broader and analyse oneself more closely to see his own words and deeds. I wished I had followed my heart in the past rather than the crowd. I wished I had the courage to face the not so good scenes. And in between I was entitled a fine of QR 500 for using mobile while driving. Crap! And at this point when the money rate has been rocketing like never before. And the funniest part is the way a police car came out of nowhere just to fine me. Dad and Mom still doesn't know that I was fined for mobile usage. Courtesy my speed! Yeah,  I know am a lousy driver. Big Deal!

And last days I was kinda practicing social hibernation! And very soon all my friends are gonna kick me dead. Saw Chennai Express and I was actually sad that I didn't enjoy the Block office hit that much. The only highlight was seeing SRK onscreen for straight two hours. One of my bestie is gonna throw away her bachelorette title and is gonna be Mrs in 10 days and I'll miss everything.

Is life all about missed occasions, opportunities, relations and uncertainties? Or is it the never ending thought process of mankind making these normal scenarios of everyday life exaggerated? I wish I had the capability to see the tomorrows.

P.S. I know all these doesn't make any sense or syn with each other. But at the moment this is how I feel. Completely disorientated mind!

P.S.S. Just some random ramblings to fill up the vacuum here.

God Blez all the randomness in Us.

S for ... ...

Third week of the A to Z April 2013 Challenge! And today is S day

She.

She first met me as a little girl. She saw me grow up into a woman. Saw the childish stubbornness in me. Have seen me in smiles, tears, stress, insecure, love and fear. Who knows me in n out. She have seen me in it's original version... without any makeup, without any masks. The rawness in me and the polished self too. Have read my soul. Saw the genuine emotions in me at it's extreme and purest form available. Laughed along with me and shared my happiness with a smile on her eyes. Lifted me up when I was sinking. Held me tight in her arms when I needed a comfort. Protected me under her wings until I wad ready to face the world. Stood by my side viewing all my crankiness and craziness without criticizing or judging and understanding that I needed all those. Provided me darkness and space to invade deep into darkness and pushed me into sunlight when I searched for a glow.

If she was a living soul, she would have been like another soul who shared my body. Would have been my best friend. Would have been more precious to me than anyone else. 

She's the safest place in this earth for me. Where I could be myself.

P.S. She's, My Room :D

God Blez.

R for ... ...

R for "Ramblings"

Life is not always easy. And it is not definitely like the fairy tales we read in childhood. Fairy tales were full of magic,  goodness and forever. But isn't a bit of fairy tale seen in life too? There are magical moments, evil and good, smiles and tears, love and hatred.

Something that can be never planned is your vacation period in this world. You doesn't know when to start nor end. You chart your days as you wish but obviously it is messed up. We dream to reach somewhere, but numerous obstacles that we might have to tackle may drown the spirit in us. And when we look around,  we might see that everyone has advanced and we are so far behind that it takes immense strength, power and boldness to out-cross all of them or at-least to reach them. But the fear of failure and the anger of rejection might have poisoned our limbs and weaken them from further advancing.

But you are you. And nothing can change that.  Stand up and begin from the start.  Nothing can cure your fear expect yourself.

Coz... when you reach your dying years, there shouldn't be 'that' word in your mind which might break you down even before dying............. IF!

"Silencing the brain's ramblings gives the chances for wonderful thoughts to bloom."

― Steven Redhead, The Solution

P.S. A note to self.

God Blez.

My Brother!

I happened to come across a blog post when I was wandering in the blogosphere. The post was a letter written by a girl written to her parents and dear ones, which they are supposed to get after she passes away. The post was part of a contest.

Now after reading it, I thought of writing something like that. And began to scribble down in my diary. But left it half written, and went away for my other jobs. And today Brat was at home, cos of his study holiday. Been so interested in going through my personals, he went through my diary too.

After a while he came to me and asked, "Are you serious about what you are thinking?" As I had no clue about what he was referring to, I got confused. He said, "I read your diary and you are gonna suicide, na"...  I was so dumbstruck that I didn't know what to tell. And he was like, "Do tell me beforehand, I wanna take a pic of yours and also make you spend all your money on me". (Now, how did I get such a brother??..... ufff....).

And the rest of the days he was such a Brat, that I had to kick him more than twice just to shut up and study.

P.S. God give girls Brother's, esp the younger ones to teach us the virtue of patience and soft talking.

God Blez.

If...

If...

I am all you want,
And all you care for...

Then look beside you,
I was always there,
Visibly or Invisibly.

To share your smiles,
To have a piece of your sadness,
To hear your stories,
And to tease n fight with you.

A thread from the past,
Brought us to our present,
Will take us to our future,
And connects us till the very end.

So... if...

I am all you want,
And all you care for...

I was there,
I am here,
And... ...

I'll be there beside you,
As always.

P.S. Keep Smiling. :)

God Blez.

Ramblings

Brat's final exams for the year started.  And as every time, 'm his teacher for the season for the exam season. This time along with Brat his best friend is also there.

Ten years back I was in the same position as Brat, with a hell lot of ambitions and a definite aim. I had my life pre-planned and I knew what I'll do when reach my 20's. But at present, when I m walking towards my 24th year, I have no idea what I want and what I'll be doing the next moment. I learned that life is not gonna happen the way we plan it but it have it's own strategies. And it's up to us to navigate it to our best advantage.

Everything may not happen as we planned, but definitely something or the other will turn up as ours.

P.S Explore your life.

God Blez.

At the verge of the steep.

Dunno if I would stumble down and fall forever.... or fall and rise up again.

Ramblings.

Season of lent is going on. And today half of the lent finished.

Lent is all about crucification of Jesus. And maybe cos of that, while attending the mass the first and last thought that came into my mind was Death. All those people I lost to death and all those I'll be losing during the years of life.

Don't let your memories wasted.

Life is a journey chasing your dreams, while embracing your memories. Memories are those chest of treasures which we wish to have atleast once more. To feel that moments emotion in real for a second time rather than in virtual visuality.

But, will these memories have the same intense clarity even after so much years and life experiences? Or do they just fade up in course of time?  

I'm a person who do whatever I can to cling to that one moment which made me feel special or bought a smile onto my face... but when life gives me other priorities should I have to leave all these to be rusted in the treasure chest and build up new ones or will I be able to give life to new moments while  preserving these with the same shining effect??

Ramblings

When life gives you lemon, make lemonade and enjoy. But what to do when life offers you with both lemon and lemonade without any sugar? Does I make any sense?? No, na. Even I don't understand what 'm writing.

Senseless thoughts and purposeless  life. But life itself is a vacuum  It's you who fill it with whatever you like. Experiences, love, negativity or passion or whatever you wish to fill it up. Even when life has no purpose, there's a joy in loving someone so unconditionally and fully. The great learning our self gains when we give out to someone without expecting anything back. You will never get lost.  Because you love. In love, you grow. In love, you prosper. In love, you gain yourself. In love, you live.

Till Date…

At 13, I never really had any confusion or worries or anything. I was good at school, maybe except for Maths. I was not terrible but was never good. I had more than enough of friends, pocket money, and boys never crossed my mind at that point as I was in a girl’s school. I never thought about the future, except for my next day’s school works and how I along with my peers could bunk the class. I loved my school and teachers too, so I was actually Happy!

At 15, I started worrying about my first Board exams. But still had fun. Me and my friends cleared my boards with a good score. So that was also happy endings, except for that all friends were going along different paths.

At 17, two years of 11^th & 12^th were horrible. Only coz I hated the place I studied. But there was an English teacher, who liked me soo much, even thou I was a huge trouble for her for two years.

At 20, I was heartbroken, but still I smiled and enjoyed life and college.

At 22, First time in life I was worried about the future. And had no idea where I was going and what ‘m gonna do.

One year later, even thou nothing changed much and I still worry about my tomorrows, I know everything is gonna happen as it is meant to be. We do play a certain role in it. And we are doing it or screwing it knowingly or unknowingly.

So, am I happy about my Today? No idea! But I am happy about this very moment.

 

P.S. Ramblings!!!

God Blez!