Friday, September 22, 2017

Not Sad, Just Empty.


These mornings I wake up with a sinking feeling in my pit. 
I feel like heavy weights been kept on my shoulders and knees. As if something is pulling me down further into the folds of bed and not allowing me to get up. I am not sad, but just empty. Still, I wake up every day, fighting the invisible demons.
Yet the mornings feel blanched. When the cold shower hits my face and body, I feel cold and tears start rolling down my eyes making it indistinguishable from the water. But once the shower stops I could literally feel the demons, frustration and irritation, creeping down my feet to the top, as if some snake is crawling.
You know what I did?
I ignored. I went my way. I made myself busy. So busy that I didn't take time to breath.
And I kept doing this.
For hours initially,
Then for days.
For months. 
Today he said my face looked drained out. Said I lost the life I had in my smile. Said that he could see lines and wrinkles and before I could mention age, he denied. I laughed off. 
But 
Is it the snake that causing me this? Did it reach my face when I kept myself busy ignoring its existence? Is it going to choke me? 
Is this how you failure feels like? 
Is it how giving up looks like?


She closed her child’s journal and sank under the bed-cover hoping for the sleep to embrace her. But the mind kept reminding her that tomorrow it’s going to be a year since she lost her child to those invisible demons.





I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. 
This is Post #6






Tuesday, September 19, 2017

If we were having coffee ... #16Sept




If we were having coffee
I would detail each minute of my life from the day you left
We would talk and laugh and cry
Over you missing all those

If we were having coffee
I would tell how much it broke me
You leaving just like that
I would tell how much it changed me forever

If we were having coffee
You would scold me for the things
Stupid ones, I did
You would sulk at me
For being irresponsible at life

If we were having coffee
I would cringe at the time going
Crib at you for never visiting me even in dreams
Sigh at the thought of you leaving again

If we were having coffee
Once again I’ll make sure that conversation stays forever
Gives me hope for more coffee
And leaves me stronger than before

If we only were having coffee … 


I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. 
This is Post #5





Monday, September 11, 2017

Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.


Today I saw, no heard death, not once but twice. Morning I woke up to a blogger friend’s mom passing away and in the evening a colleague’s. She called me in between a meeting and said crying her mother was seriously admitted and chances are low. But after half an hour a call from India to me, confirmed her mom passing away. Till now we haven’t disclosed to her. When I went talk to her she hugged me and cried she want her mom and don’t want to lose her. She took away my strength.  

Tonight she’ll drift off to sleep, praying for her mom’s recovery. Tomorrow night she’ll reach her hometown to see her mom numb and cold. I cannot imagine her devastation. I cannot imagine both my friends’ loss.

I have seen death before. My grandparents, aunt, uncle, friends…

But one death that shocked me to the core was a friend’s. I was 20, at that time. I was taught that no harm will happen to good people. No destruction, no loss, no bad things will happen to people that do no harm to others. But when I lost him, I lost that belief. I lost my innocence and hope in goodness with him.  

It took me year to accept the reality and the fact that death is inevitable. It comes to the good and bad, rich and poor, young and old, friends and enemies and even to me. Death is the only area in life, where man is truly helpless and at the mercy of the ultimate power. Only time when man becomes nothing.

Death leaves you breathless. It takes away your sleep. It changes us. It breaks us. You seek them everywhere, you feel their presence, and you smell them, even when you know that they are not there. You still pray for a miracle even after you have buried them deep down. 
It leaves a permanent void in you, which no matter what happens, or time passes … will not heal, but will diminish the scar, really slowly.



And still, after years and decades there will be moments, when you will suddenly feel a heart trenching ache when you miss them just like that.

But if there’s a sunset, there’s a sunrise too. With a new morning you will definitely move on.

Still believing in goodness and still embracing hope. Praying that both my friends get immense strength and love to stay strong during this period. 

If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. —James O’Barr



I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. 
This is Post #4





Friday, September 8, 2017

Tomorrow will take care of itself.


I am selfie person. Thou I don’t share them in my FB feed 24*7; I do change my Whatsapp display picture regularly. And last week after so many months, I got some genuine comments from friends and cousins saying that I look my old self with a happy smile that reached my eyes.

If someone told me some years ago, that today I was sitting in a pothole of emotions surrounded by so many queries about life itself, I might have mocked them. I was a person who had her perfect plan for life mapped our right from the age of 12. I knew what I wanted to do, I knew where I wanted to live, knew when not to fall in love, I knew which all countries I wanted to explore, knew the kind of house I wanted, I knew when to get married, how many kids I wanted, even had my retirement plans. But none, absolutely none, worked out. To start with, I didn’t study what I wanted to (now I am), didn’t change cities when I wanted to, found love and lost, married at the wrong time and the wrong soul, my need of house changed to home, idea of parenthood changed, my perception for exploring changed, my opinion about life itself changed.

And all these took a toll in me.

Initially faced with adversities, I fought silently and came out of it with stronger wings and strength. I had this “I don’t care, it’ll be alright” attitude in me. The moment I lost it, I lost myself. I lost my happiness and basked in insecurities.  

But recently something snapped inside me. I was all set to close down the unwanted chapters and people in my life, but that also didn’t work out as planned. That moment, I came to understand no matter what I do, no matter how much I stress out about my tomorrow’s, it will just happen as it is meant to. The amount of stress I give as input is not going to result in a better output. Infact it’s just ruining my present.  


And last week after reading Corine’s Monday musings, it just cemented by my thoughts. The realization that what you do, how much you worry, tomorrow will definitely take care of itself. You don’t have to do much; you don’t have to worry much. You just have to do whatever to have to do today. And tomorrow will happen. Just like that. Stop worrying and start living.



My life is full of chaos at the moment. But I am ok and I am happy.




Title & Post idea courtesy: Corinne Rodrigues Of EverydayGyaan
I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. 
This is Post #3



Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Home.


Home?!

The place where I spend my childhood
The room that saw me evolved into a woman from a little one
The pillows that caressed my broken heart’s tears
The white curtains that let inside the breeze of joy into me
And ever changing colors of wall that let out my mood
The veranda which let me be intoxicated with the smell of fresh earth
Is that my home?

Or

Is it the place where I learned to rise back after a fall?
Land which taught me to survive without friends or even foes
Abode where loneliness was welcomed as a long lost friend
Opportunities which waited for me to embrace
Busy-ness which offered a pseudo invisibility
Mundane routines which make me yearn for weekends
Is this land away from my native, my home?

There are times when the contrasts of both places frustrates me
Yet I find peace in all these chaos 
But which one is home to me?

These days I feel at home in some moments
In some people and in some memories
These days I feel at home in my laughter
In my ambitions and in my happiness
These days I find home in myself.



Linking this to #MondayMusings at EveryGyaan
&
I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter. This is Post #2






Saturday, September 2, 2017

Happiness is a By-product.


When was a child, if someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say “Happy”. Yes. I just wanted to be happy. No matter what job I did, where I lived, how much I earned at the end I wanted to be happy. I wanted to cuddle in my bed with a smile. But as years piled in my age, as time passed, as I graduated from a student to employed, as I left my country for another place, the happiness also started blurring. The intensity just reduced. And then one day, I couldn’t even find it. There was not even a trace of her. (Let’s assume Happiness is a woman.)

I searched for her here in heaven and earth, in different countries, in various jobs, between different people, even in food, but I just couldn’t find her. I got tired. I stopped wandering searching for her. But after a while, I found that happiness couldn’t be found anywhere except within you.

I understood that happiness is not a life status. It’s a state of mind. Usually happiness is ephemeral. It lasts just for a short time. It’s because life is a mix of ups and downs. You can’t demand a life full of peaks without expecting a few slopes and gutters. And when you understand  that happiness is not a goal, by is a by product you reach a state of ultimate happiness, where you take everything with positiveness and a grateful heart and also with hope that the next day Sun will shine brighter. 

So,


What is happiness for you? Are you happy at the moment?




Linking this to #FridayReflections


I am taking My Alexa Rank to the next level with #MyFriendAlexa with BlogChatter
This is Post #1






Thursday, August 17, 2017

Let's Go

Hey,

Let's get out of here

Let's get out of here to a faroff land

Not some exotic country but maybe to Russia, Japan or even Uganda

Let's take off one day and meet midair as strangers

Let's be co-passengers and introduce ourselves

Let's say cheers to wine and laugh over the crappy airline food

Let's giggle like kids over the choice of movies 

And once at the destination, let's pick an Ok motel

Dumb our luggages and get out to the street 

Let's explore the nook and corner

The not tourist places, the infamous alleys, not so popular restaurants and downright libraries

Let's drink cheap whisky

Let's sing and dance to nonsense music until our legs wobble and voice coarse

Let's walk back drunk at wee hours and kiss out loud

Let's confuse lust over love and hold hands

Let's sleep off whispering inaudible nothing's and cuddling each other

Let's sleep through the morning rays and 

When we wake up in the afternoon

Let's repeat

Let's repeat the same routine

With different alleys, restaurants, bars and libraries

Let's repeat until it's time to go

To return to the world we belong

Where we are labeled as husband and wife

Or as lovers or as girlfriend and boyfriend

Or as perfect strangers

But only .... 

Until next time.